Archives for October 2013


Una laps the pond water like a dog. Her eyes stare into the sharded reflection of her animal self. None to see her in the moonlight. It’s her and the pondweed-and-frog smell of the night. She wonders how it is that all she ever feels, really feels, deep down, is utter confusion – a constant state of not being in touch, missing out on vital truths, seeing them in outline perhaps but never grasping them in her spacious moon-brain. The pitted moon – how far from the earth and closer to the sun, yet always one part in utter darkness.

She envies the clear conviction and certainty of people who live in her world. Why aren’t they aware of the bendable, stretchable universe and the chaos. The limitations of her mind perplex her. Why can’t she reach out and touch those shadows that circle around her like dancers.

The lights in the house glow orange and comforting. She watches, like an outsider, through the curtains into her home. Her children move in the lounge and the man stands clutching an oven-glove watching a fascinating moment on the little television across the room. She hears the hum of TV talk and human conversation. It’s a very pretty sight – moving and comforting – yes.

To be a part of that and not – an interesting position.

She pushes her hands into the grass and slowly gets up. Brushes the pond-side bits and pieces off her cotton dress and slips sandals onto her feet, spits the hair out of her mouth, straightens her cardigan.

He steps onto the veranda and frowns into the darkness. “Una,” he calls, “did you get the teddy bear?”

She’d forgotten about the child’s bedtime comfort. She’d come out to look for it among the trees where the children had been playing. They both knew the drama that would ensue.

“No,” she said.

“Well come in anyway. It’s late and sooner or later he’ll have to learn to do without the thing.”

The limp thing smelt of her little son’s adenoids and perspiration. It was almost hairless where he had rubbed it and held it night after night. There were patches covering the holes where stuffing had leaked out. It had a green waistcoat and its eyes were dulled with scratches. An object of love and security.

In that warm house there is never time to reflect, to talk to the quiet. Out here in the autumn darkness she feels less like the squeezed teddy bear.

“Una!” there is a note of impatience now.

“I’m coming…”

I’m coming into the warm world again, to be filled with business and cooking and you. I’m leaving behind my animal self, leaving it crouching in the long grass, gazing at the moon.

Momentary Insanity

I smile broadly in disguise of this pain
I’m residing inside the sea
A sea
Made out of my own tears
Which I cry for you

It has been over a year
Yet I still find myself waking up in the middle of the night

Calling for you

Curled up in my pillow

Seeking for you

Hoping to find you

On the other side of the bed

Desire running through my vains
Quivering for your embrace
Thirsty for your lips
Longing to hear your soft voice
Saying “please hold me”

Everything seems familiar
But incomplete without you

I dream of you often day and night
I wish all of this was just a nightmare
Cause in the morning it would be over
And you would be here with me
I no longer know when I’m asleep or awake
Am I sleeping or awake now?
I don’t know

I apologize
I didn’t know you were unhappy
Momentary insanity
must have been the reason I caused you pain

I surrender
I was wrong
Save me from my misery
Save me from this insanity

Please come home.

second chance

the taxis were all lining up the day was closing in
there at the bar we sat all day attitude after gin
it was like a normal day no work then we must play
the hours kept on ticking by the wifes wil phone by nine
again and again again and again then again at half past ten
we were all stubborn then as we were the macho men
till this dreadful night we loved sitting at our den
it musta been a all nighter as i woke up in the wreck
the flames were getting hotter as i felt it up my neck
whos the guy behind the wheel and why are we upside down
the last thing i remembered was dancing like a clown
wake up i said to the driver what have you done to us
the bloody car is burning man as sirens start a buzz
i somehow got myself outside dragged the driver to the curb
the car went up in flames from there the neighbours looked disturbed
i said to the man you better run or sleep behind steel and stone
he nodded and said where you going man
i said im going home
i did not know where i was but was happy to be alive
as from that night i never drank again or visited my old dive
the question is will you be able to
tell this story to a friend
or will you burn out before your time is up
your funeral unattend

To the insane asylum dead on Andrews Road, Port Alfred

Numbers, no names in this toothy field:
Stone incisors tilt drunkenly beneath a twelve o clock sky.

Your flaking bones and gaping mouths
lie forgotten in the press of earth,
lost lacework…

Did tender fingers once trace the shell of your ear,
some mouth kiss your warm cheek,
before grey walls and white doors shut out the light,
before your brain burst behind your bloodshot eyes?

Who never came to claim you?
And who clunked the gurney under the run of soulless lights,
Who signed the form, slotted you, filed you and forgot you?

Where do they lie?

But in the crush of years
all turn to dust,
cherished and uncherished.
So why do I ache to scratch away the earth,
find your milky bones,
tease tarsals out like little seeds,
cradle your skull,
give you back your name?

I tremble. A fragment stirs
and I breathe its evocation:
Names can bind and set you free…

Perhaps the mystic in me has not withered utterly;
Parchment dry,
but waiting for a little rain.

The man I love

The man I love lives off borrowed truths.
He is a hoarder of facts.
He quotes entire Bible verses verbatim.
He collects the realities of strangers.
He struggles with his own truth.

He goes to Accounting class
and then compares me to a deferral.
He chats to a classmate who does Chemistry
and then compares me to potential energy.
He tells me I am the girl he would love
if he had a heart.
Clearly he doesn’t do Biology,

I bring him food from home so he can fill his mouth
with something other than words.
I tell him stories.
He moistens his lips with juice I poured
at my kitchen counter and continues to speak.
I ask him to tell me about his past.
He tells me he doesn’t have a father.
He says I am too beautiful to know the rest.
The man I love is a liar.

On My Last Day

One thing we all have to face is death;

So on the day I breathe my final breath;

There’s a few things I want you to do;

I don’t want to see you cry, what’s the use;


I want you to party with 2pac “Life Goes On”;

I want all my nigga’s to sing along;

I don’t want a pastor to read from the word that day;

It’s too late to change my fate;


Instead I want my nigga’s and family to grab the mic;

And reminicse on my life;

I don’t want anyone to be in a suite;

I want it to be casual so keep it true;


At my grave I want each of you to throw sand on my soul;

I want only white roses layed on my tombstone;

Dear Mamma, you are the only one allowed to cry;

I was your only son that’s the only reason why;


To my doggs, I’ve been saving up for this day;

There’s a bottle of Hennessy and cigars so you can sip and blow pain away;

For those who stay high just to maintain;

I’ve left some cash so you can get some drugs and party at my grave;


I don’t want any of you to leave early;

I want you to keep my memory alive and embrace my legacy;

To those who didn’t care about me while I was alive;

I don’t want you at my funeral, don’t waste your and my time;


To those who hated me don’t bother keeping up appearances and pretend;

I don’t need your sympathy or respect;

I lost respect for you while I was alive and it never changed at my death;

To those who ran me through;


Don’t worry I forgave everyone of you;

But it wasn’t out of weakness, it was out of strength, I did it for me and not to please you;

I needed to release hate to enter Heaven’s gates;

I refused to let hate send me to endure hell’s flames;


To my ex lovers if any of you decided to come;

I’m sorry for all the dirt I’ve done;

I was living in the fast lane, life of a thug;

It wasn’t personal, I just found it hard to trust;


To my niggas, there’s only a few;

Let me mention you by name so you know who I’m referring too;

Brother’s Ian and Brian Nxumalo, Leroy Links,Rynel “NiteMan” Classen, Elzano “Zano” Cloete,Keith ” Kat” Van Rooi, Colin “Patat” Ross, Ronald “Ronnie” Cloete, Lerato “Allan Keys” Amor , Bongani Goliath, Tumelo Dibakoane, Reagan “Oom R” Smith, Anthony aka “Voeltjie”, Sidney “60” Fortein, Grant Jacobs, Eugene “Gino” Schwartz, George Loliwe, Damian Moodley,Ghershone Veldschoën, Heinrich “Milo” Bridgens, Nazley “Naz” Booysen;

Forgive me for those I failed to mention, I include you if you were my nigga and remained true;


My funeral will probably be full of white people but don’t worry or care;

Now you’ll finally know how I felt when I rolled with you and got those same cold stares;

Forgive them, people find it hard to change;

I got so used to the race hate, when it never happend it felt strange;


Now I know some of my nigga’s are crazy and lost their mind;

But at my funeral party I beg of you don’t fight;

This party is just for you, I tried my best;

So for once drink and smoke in peace out of respect;


To the nigga’s I buried before my last day;

Come escort my soul so I don’t get lost along the way;

Come join the party, I know my doggs have been missing you;

So too my nigga’s especially “NiteMan”, make room for “Ike & Dru”;


To all my enemies I hope you chose to stay away;

I’ll make sure my nigga’s make it your funeral on the same day;

But instead of a funeral they’ll just piss on your grave;

See I never had time for bitch nigga’s who were fake;


Now I know this is not the traditional way;

But I don’t care I was born crazy;

I’m sick of attending funerals where everyone seems dead;

We only buried one person, you weren;t one of them;


I’m in a better place;

I want to see a smile on your face;

I want you to celebrate my last day;

If you asked me too, even if I was the only one I’d do the same;


Just to make sure my instructions are followed to the tee;

I’ve included it in my last will and testimony;

That nigga handing out my millions to some of you will also be there to see;

If it’s not followed, nobody is getting a cent, it’s going to charity;


I told you I trust no one so I took precautions so I can rest in peace;

I won’t let anybody pull a fast one on me;

I’ve learnt to be one step ahead of the game;

This is the way I want to have my last day

What I Am Living For

I was born an angel with broken wings;

Endured underserved things;

Too young to understand the reasons why;

Life is all good, I was fed that lie;


I was filled with anger not seeing God’s plan;

He never made a mistake even though I believed it, He dealt me my bad poker hand;

Later He told me “The best poker players win with the worst cards’;

So I stopped feeling sorry for myself and became a man;


Since birth He was empowering me with constant pain;

Struggles I survived were set to associate my name with fame;

A soldier sent to flip this dirty game;

To help my people avoid life’s hidden traps;


I want to give them a restart, a chance to get their life back;

I want to set free those bound by a prison of regret;

To let them know it’s time to forget;

I’m sick of seeing broken hearts all around me;


Lost souls seeking answers, I’ve got the key;

I’m here to set those doing time for their past free;

Maybe this was my purpose, I’m still uncertain;

But it’s become my passion to remove burdens;


I wish emotional pain on nobody;

Cause everybody needs somebody especially when they are hurt and lonely;

I want that somebody to be me;

A man wise from tears, born brutally honest and deep;


Who’s not afraid to tell the truth even if it hurts;

I’d rather tell the facts;

It will only hurt a while, but you’ll thank me one day when you look back;

I’m who God made me to be;


Those who know I don’t pretend to be who people expect me to be;

I don’t care if it makes me popular or not;

I’m here because of God’s love;

I want to make a change before I’m sent back to Heaven above;


The truth about life starts in a family home;

It’s time to stop protecting kids from the truth, life’s ruthless so let them know;

You’re killing them even before they grow;

If you didn’t know now you know;


I’m sick of seeing children’s innocence bieng stolen;

Age 12 and forced to act with a mature soul;

Babies having babies because a man promised her the love she never got from her dad;

Yet when she’s pregnant, parents get mad;


Parents are the underlying cause;

They should have told her about life’s falls;

We’ve lost too many kids to tears,regrets and pain;

This is the bullshit I’m living to change

Forced To End Another Life

Reminicisng back on that night;

19 years old when I was forced to end another man’s life;

I tried to keep the peace;

But he kept on pushing me;


Heard him say I was a traitor cause I ran with a coloured crew;

I brushed it off and remained cool;

I left the club in silence;

But as I turned my back he started unecessary violence;


My mind went blank;

Woke up to a dead man;

My heart instantly sank;

Saw blood on the cold pavement;


Arrested by punk police;

Trying to explain but they didn’t want to know about me;

All I heard was I was guilty;

Locked up in a single cell surrounded by another 20;


Faced the judge and explained my self defense plea;

He agreed and set me free;

All I heard was the sobs of a grieving mother as I leave;

Trying to find relief;


I’ve never been one to fight no matter what;

Always trying keep the peace when shit went south;

I never thought I could end another life;

It happend so fast like evening turning to daylight;


Remorse turns to regret as I think back to that night;

When I never chose to end another man’s life


Girl I know that I shouldn’t be missing you;

You’ve moved on and found someone new;

I’ve tried to leave you alone;

But my heart was born to be your home;


Our love story was born up above;

A one of a kind of love;

I knew it since that first day;

When my eyes first saw your face;


I wanted forever with you;

But forever ended too soon;

Nobody could ever take your place;

I’ve had so many who tried but failed;


It’s not that I’m still stuck on you;

You only cross my mind when I want you too;

It’s not that I still cry everyday;

I’ve just that I’ve not met another like you babe;


I know you will never come back this way;

I had my chance but let it slip away;

Even though I’ve finally changed;

This changed man came far too late;


I wonder if I’m alone or do you feel the same way;

Not a day goes by that I don’t miss the love we once made;

I still miss your beautiful face;

I miss your kiss that always took my breath away;


I miss your smile;

I haven’t seen one that cute in a long time;

I even miss our fights;

And the make up sex we used to have to get us right;


Girl what can I say I still love you;

I can’t even pretend cause I was born to speak the truth;

It’s okay if you don’t feel the same;

Cause the way I feel will never ever change


Lost a few brother in my life;

Never knew it was your last day;

So I never got a chance to say goodbye;

I’m so sick of tears;


Lossing brothers I knew for years;

You always had my back;

Who will protect me now from them cowards swift attack;

Lost love a few times it’s true;


But your passing was harder to take;

Damn my niggas I miss you;

I don’t have heaven’s number;

So I can’t holla at you when I’m in trouble;


I can always find another new bitch any day;

But your life is something I could never replace;

I wish I knew;

So I could have made more time for you;


Things that used to get on my last nerve;

Are now the things I miss the most, guess this is what I deserve;

Got your face tatted on my arm;

Now that you’re gone I consider you my lucky charm;


I wonder what you’re doing up in heaven;

Wondering if I cross your mind sometimes;

Like you do mine 24/7;

Funny how I still see your face in every rainbows reflection;


I pray with knees on the floor every single night;

Asking God to let you read all the dear You letters I write;

Your presence is like voice without a sound;

With every passing breeze I know your soul is still around;


Staring at your name engrave in stone;

Tears scarring your tombstone;

Wishing you could come visit me like we do every christmas time;

Looking at the falling stars for a sign to see if you’re still fine;


I can’t control the after life;

But I hope you’re inside;

Hope God forgave you for all those naughty times;

Hope you catch every tear that fall from my eyes;


I wish I could rewind time;

So I could tell you the things that are now trapped in my mind;

Till we meet on the otherside;

With words of rhyme I keep your legacy alive