I have been waking up every morning wishing and hoping that somehow I stumble upon love. Thando is the one who led me to date sites, they are an awful thing. I’m only hoping that Cupid be a little lenient on me and finds me a gorgeous girly girl lesbian, but that seems to be mission impossible. Thando said that if I wasn’t such an awful drunk and was an active looker any girly girl wouldn’t think twice about falling-in love with me. She says that the bottle does a good enough impersonation though of a lover for me, and that if I don’t wake up and smell ‘something’ I’ll wake up and see my whole life beyond me, and then I’ll be left in misery, constantly thinking about the life ‘I let go’. I tell Thando that I’m not an addict and that drinking is just a harmless hobby I’ve created for myself. She says that the bottle turns me into a loud uncontrollable fart that smells for an hour or two until the booze does everyone a favour and becomes my anesthetic. I tell her that I will be happy and that destiny has something waiting for me around the corner. She looks at me, “Sweetheart you have got to stop this destiny thing, look where it got you with Gabby,” she clears her throat and looks into my eyes and as if begging for my soul to escape my wounded heart she stares with gleam eyes, but Thando can read my eyes, so when she sees the uselessness of her exotic stare she withdraws wiping the tears onto her hands and whispers an apology.

We all have that one that got away, Gabby is that for me. Gabby was my sunshine and the moment she left I fell into a wilderness that restricted any kind of love or light, so the dating site became an exit strategy. The dating site allows me a little fun with no strings attached; just have to praise the person who came up with the concept, I bet you R10 that it was a guy. About the strings, I know you probably confused now, but it’s simple. The girls I have been finding are hot but they normally last a week even the ones that I like, so
I have disciplined myself on the concept of one night or week stands. The girls always leave angry, they say I’m charming on the site but in real life I’m a mess. So with that said I have welcomed that destiny will fix everything up in the future and therefore I have accustomed myself to the warmth of sex, nothing more but sex is my motto. I do miss being in-love, who wouldn’t miss being the top of someone else’s priorities?

I eased myself into alcohol right after I found Gabby cheating with a guy, he was handsome so I’ll give her that. She ended up marrying the douchebag though; we had dated for five years and she had turned me down three times. It was always the excuse that she wasn’t ready, her mother wouldn’t come anyways- as if her mother was Mother Theresa, but none the less I respected her wishes. She married the guy after a year of officially dating. Whilst I mourned for my love, Thando made sure that Snowy (my dog) and I ate, Gabby gave her the name- the dog that is, we had shared her but she was ultimately Gabbys’. Her husband never wanted the dog, so she left our baby with me and never did she once visit us. Gabby didn’t even invite me to her wedding, it’s not like I would have wanted her to, but the gesture would have been nice, for heaven sake I didn’t even know until her witch of a mother called me on her wedding day to laugh at my face- or in my ear in her case. The house was a sad reminder of us, I often wished I could have just packed and left the place, everywhere I sat we had: made love, kissed, held hands, argued and most importantly we had laughed.

On the same sofa that I had once stared into Gabby’s eyes pleading for her to take a leap of faith with me as I produced a merger silver proposal ring, I was sitting with Thando. Thando’s eyes had always mimicked happiness, so whenever I was deeper in my pity all I did was sought them, and in them I truly believed that love and happiness was an entity that maybe life could allow me again. My crush on Thando was relevant before Gabby, but one can’t expect another person to love them back, anyways with Thando I held onto my feelings because I would have hated it if she wasn’t my friend- I only had that choice with her. She dated guys ever since the word existed, she was the pink type of girl, the reason I found her even more appealing, if only the dating sites could give me a person with only half of the qualities Thando has. Did I mention her positive spirit? If not, Thando is one of those who look into the world with rose coloured glasses.

Like every day now, I was tipsy, and my depression was overpowering. I took a long glance once more into Thandos’ eyes and I kissed her. Many times I had wished to kiss her, many times I had imaged the taste of her lips, and they had to be strawberry flavoured or maybe raspberry, but it turns out that they are Cherry. She pulled back and from that moment I knew I couldn’t take it back, I was screwed, and I had finally screwed up with the person I truly loved. Her puzzled eyes searched for something on my face of which after they had concluded their brief scan she stood up and brushed herself up.
“You are drunk right? You must be drunk because I’m not accepting that from…”
“I’m tipsy. I love you, I always have Thando.”

“How dare you… how dare you do that to me. Here I am trying to help you out, trying to help a friend whom I love. I love you like a friend, I can’t love you like that, and it’s selfish of you to kiss me… What? You want to have sex with me?” she said quivering and draining her shiny eyes. She drew back from the scene and headed for the kitchen, she took her bag and keys and with her new energy rushed for the front door.

“Thando, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to… I don’t want you to leave, please don’t leave Thando.” Her hand tried unlocking the door, but it was acting up. My door has had a problem ever since Gabby left, it was her mother who broke it. It happened when she had come to fetch her daughter and her belongings after the cheating incident, her mother slammed the door so hard, nearly hitting my fingers, that it unhinged slightly and nearly shattered my windows. After slamming my door the witch shouted that I needed repentance and that I was an evil disease that God had finally un-leeched from her daughter. Now Thando was the one shouting, she shouted at me saying that if I didn’t open the door she would scream, so I did, and so she left storming out with fury.

The only valid option for me- wasn’t alcohol, not that I was quitting it, but reality TV was my only option because I was out of alcohol and the night was bloody cold to initiate a walk to the shebeen- which is a kilometer away. I switched on the TV to find a program about unbelievable people. On nights like these Wives of anywhere would have been a great release, but there were no wives program’s so I switched off the TV and for a good ten minutes I sat on my couch cradling guilt and draining any droplets of tears that my eyes still held.

A car horn interrupted my silence, it was Thando’s car in the driveway torching the darkness and my house. I let her in. I opened the door and waited for her to make her way to the house, her walk was calm but had a quick pace about it. She asked to come in the house saying that the cold was killing her.
The awkwardness inside the house was depressing. After a minute I finally spoke apologizing about the kiss and blaming the alcohol for it, but I still maintained my feelings for her, I couldn’t deprive myself of them anymore. She went to the kitchen, took a bottle of vodka from her bag, and poured me and herself a glass of it dashed with grape juice. She gulped down the content, Thando is a light drinker that’s why she hardly ever drinks, and handed me the other glass and then she spoke.
“You are selfish, I’ll give you that. Gabby left you and you fell into a state. I tried by all means to help you move on, signed you up to dating sites, and what do you do? I’ll answer that, you screwed it up. Every girl that falls for you is subjected to your failed relationship, Gabby this, Gabby that. When will you wake up and realize that Gabby is gone, she’s married to a man, she has a child, and finally she doesn’t even care if you still alive or not.”

“Thando, I dated Gabby for four years. And you have dated Charles for like two minutes, you wouldn’t understand,” I said taking a seat.

“Understand what? That I love him, that his going to marry me? That I’m pregnant with his baby,” she sat the glass aside on the table after she had drained the last content of it into her mouth, after which she squinted and let loose her tongue thrusting violently in the air. She hadn’t told me about the pregnancy.“That’s why I came here by the way. I came here to tell you that I was pregnant, and I came to ask you to be my child’s godmother, but I have changed my mind, you not fit for it. What will you teach my baby? To drink when life is shit to you, I didn’t become a drunk when you neglected me for Gabby,” she snorted back a cry, “Ever since high school when I learnt about your sexuality, your pride in who you were, I decided to be your friend so I could be close to you and who I was. I never had that, I was scared of life,” she sighed and swept a tear from the cup of her eye, “God. I had a massive crash on you. I loved you for a good long time and I always wanted you to love me, but you were too busy chasing older girls, having sex with them and loving them. I never had the courage to come out, but I would have done it if it meant you would have loved me. I was right there in your face.”

“What? What do you mean? You have always dated guys.”

“My love has no sex, and anyways it’s too late now. I finally know how it feels like to be important to someone. I wasn’t going to wait for you forever… twelve years is enough waiting.” She took her bag and vodka and marched for the door, she struggled with the door of which she cursed heavily, but she none the less opened it. I hurried after her in the moonless blanketed sky. She turned on her car and reversed (the gate was open, she had took my remote as she left the house) and drove off throwing my keys on the grass near my fence. Her car disappeared after a turn on the right and I was left all alone on the streets begging for her to come back. Earl Street had never been so quiet.