That Emotional Bullshit

I am 10 shades darker than awkward, I am what my opinion of myself contradicts,
a walking metaphor on the other side of a burnt bridge,
I shrink back at the sight of love.
My shadow follows a empty dictionary with no meaning
because I’m still trying to define myself.
Some days I love you with all I have,
other days it gets hard to remember your smell.
Forgive me but have I ever loved you before? your heart feels like a familiar place,
one day you might completely understand me but not today.
I have surgical footprints and I barely dictate my own movements,
I question God and why he has failed to prove his own existence.
I cannot change the world I barely change my screensaver,
I hold on to my own nightmares and refuse to give it to the dream catcher.
I love you but maybe not deeply enough,
everyday I try to leave you so you cannot hurt me 6 years from now.
you fell in love with idea of me but don’t know what my scars are about,
maybe I’m not cut out for this type of life,
the “happily ever after, til death do us apart”.
I can no longer play these fucking game with you,
don’t use me like a bus station, you cannot love me like it’s an option to you.
Stop treating me like an emotional doormat,
the fabrics on my skin wasn’t meant for the soles of your feet,
I was perfectly fine til you decided to halfway love me.

I’m a pigeon in the subway trying to blend with flamingoes,
I walk across the sun then slide down rainbows.
I wear a crown in my sleep and my heart beats to reggae,
there is so many things I want to share with you but you just not there yet.
Somewhere on the surface I despise you,
you have let go 4 times before, how dare you.
Yes I’ve counted, no I haven’t decided.
whether the joke is really on me?
and do you get a kick on pulling all the strings?
or do I control who we could actually be?
I try to think about people who could soul love me and I can’t even find one,
just a sad reminder of how lonely I’ve become
Maybe no one wants to know who I am,
I try to let people in but I can’t.
I don’t smile often, I cry instead,
but it’s okay these tears dry themselves.
Just waiting for someone to love me even when the lights go on,
I don’t want you to settle for me I want to be the one you chose.
I strip in front of the mirror every morning, decode all my emotions,
remove my insecurities, take off my guilt and leave my pride on the floor,
then put them all back on before anybody knows.
My silence too loud to fit in my back pocket so I have become it,
I’ve been running away since I was 11 but now I’m just too tired,
I can hear my mistakes catching up to me if I really stay quiet,
I give up on myself every weekend it’s better than pretending that I was trying.
If somehow your feelings change, I know you would tell me,
I’m not broken but some parts of me are missing.
This is just a fraction of what I have yet to say,
Still conquering demons in my own brain.
I hear my own voice while listening to 808s and heartbreaks
but when you finally figured out how to love me I just hope its not too late.

The Negro Man Who Called Me Queen

He touched me with the mahogany tree branch on his skin,
I could taste the cinnamon in his blinks…
as he stared at me,
I love the way my name emancipated his tongue into an African type of beauty,
and his voice was a familiar sound that took centuries to reach me.
he said “Nubian Queen, they can’t love your sunkissed skin,
but they don’t know that this is the shade that I’m inlove with.”

I’ve spend 4,015 days trying to wash away the coffee stains my parents poured on to me,
hoping that one day I’ll fit into the tone of my own painting,
waiting on my own people to recognize me.
Pain is black men telling you that your are too dark to make it to your own wedding,
that you have to try a little harder since yellow is not the colour you painted in,
rejection is black men telling you that you should start dating white guys
with stripped ties
who might love those charcoal tights,
and I looked for love in the wrong places my whole life.

So tell me negroid man how did you see me without the lights on?
did this melanin call the sun in your eyes like its dawn.
forgive me, I get nervous when you look at me,
do you really think I’m beautiful?
He smiled and said…
“beautiful is when you pour acceptance into the cracked spaces in your heart,
its when you are able to outline your drawing with love,
beautiful is being half a glass full but still enough,
its what your mirror is entirely made of.”
he walked into my life with soft honey melodies in between each footstep,
he counted the teardrops on my hands and said “Empress I’ve loved you way before social media turned you into a hashtag.”

There’s a darkness about him

There’s a darkness about him
cant put my finger on it
something sinister and foreboding
there’s no glow to his face
like his hiding something
dark clouds surround him

But do I tell you my friend
the one about to marry him
I have no proof -it’s just
there’s a darkness about him
please get to know him
find out why his wives left him

You are the light
dont loose your glow
find out more before you say
I do
there’s a darkness about him
dont let this man be your mistake

5 o’clock Torture

I’m on that 9 to 5 grind,
Naturally I am exhausted
But it has to happen, every afternoon.

The tap on my  window or the whistle from a few meters away.
That street vendor though, he catches you every day.
Is it  a hand made steel giraffe, a springbok jersey or a box of mangoes?
I don’t care, I’ll just ignore him until he goes.

There’s the occasional day that he just get’s on my nerves,
So i roll down my window, and throw words that’ll just kick him to the curb.
“Can’t you see that I’m exhausted, I’ve worked all day
What have you done, besides laze away?
It’s 5 o’clock and I’ve been up so early,
I fake a happy mood and I work so eagerly!
I focus, I strive, I have passion in my eyes!
So at 5 o’clock all I ask for, is that quiet, alone, home time prize
Bother someone else, why do you always target me?
Or better yet get a real job, then… you will see!”

I throw rants with my chest puffed and my nose up and I make him feel so small.
I don’t feel bad, I’ve worked hard today, I shouldn’t feel bad at all

Eventually one day,
that street vendor,
he cut me off,
mid banter!
He asked if I had seen him this morning on my way to work.
I replied, “YES! as usual you tapped on the window of my merc.”
So you see sir, he said, I am sure that you would’ve easily managed standing in the sun all day,
being shut down, ignored and constantly told to go away.
I don’t mean to complain, I don’t mean to be rude,
but while you’re on your way home, I’m still forcing that happy mood.
So with all due respect to that hard work that you do
It’s 5 o’clock for me too!

Of all the things that God could send

Of all the things that God could send.
What would be your perfect request?
What would make all life’s troubles worth it in the end?

I know what I’d ask for,
I’d ask for stability and contentment,
for prosperity and perfection!

I’d sit on my knees look up to the sky
and weep with regret for my mistakes 
and I’d ask God for forgiveness and protection!

It’s funny how God and I we can sit and talk.
This would seem like a one way conversation, 
but this friends, is the power of meditation.

I close my eyes and enter a serene state. 
When I am angry, I request that he removes all this hate.

When sadness is upon me
I beg for him to allow gladness to adorn me.

I’m a little disloyal though.
In a state of happiness 
or in a moment of success.
I sometimes forget to tell God
Because I often forget to talk to him when I am at my best.

But on the rare occasion that I do remember to be thankful.
He awards me with so much warmth and and extends my happiness to the epitome of joyful!

So of all the things that God could send
There’d be none better than a friend
a friend who could make me smile
and feel comforted too.
I sit on my knees and fold my hands, 
I look up to God and say.
“In other words, a friend like you!”

I’ll stand up

Don’t get me wrong when I say that I will be your helping hand.
I know that you don’t need a mentor or even an assistant 
and I know that you most definitely don’t need a man!

My helping hand is only offered when the world is blind.

When the world is blind to your triumphs
I’ll stand up and I’ll stand by you!

It took multiple bruises and many more bumps
and when they don’t know that
I’ll stand up and I’ll stand by you!

Because I will not let the power you possess
be somewhat oppressed.
I will make sure they see that you are the Queen!
Hell! you are the King!

So when the world is blind to your revolutionary stance
when you conquer the barriers that once denied the youth future plans!
I’ll stand up and I’ll stand by you!

I’ll make sure that they hear your name
that your story is the new level to that politics game!
And eventually when the politicians, they try to play
and destroy your elegantly laid out pathway
I’ll stand up and I’ll stand by you!

When you need a crew.
When you need a brother, a sister, a friend or two
know one thing
I’ll stand up and I’ll stand by you!

Because you have seen the days that they said you couldn’t
even though they secretly knew you could 
They prayed for the day that you just wouldn’t
But you did!
And they know
but they will assure that it is hidden!
So remember that I’ll stand up and I’ll stand by you!

They will act like the greatness you’ve achieved is unnecessary
Like the mountains you’ve climbed were mere ant hills
They will hide the fact that you’ve smashed through that little look of girly
that you’ve done more than just educate yourself, 
you’ve raised kids
you’ve given to your community
And you’ve paid all your bills.

So when it starts to rain and the storm continues to pour
I’ll stand up and I’ll stand by you!

When your force is budding from the ground
but they keep throwing sand over and patting it down.
I’ll be at the bottom with you
We will dig our way through 
I’ll stand up and I’ll stand by you!

When they command you to stay in he kitchen
break the hell out
When they objectify your curves
shut that man down
When they say you’re too fragile
When they say you’re too weak
Show them your wrath
They’ll forever hold their peace

So when the world is blind to your legendary venture
When they can’t see, that here is a real life Marvel Avenger
I’ll stand up and I’ll stand by you!

****Like a superhero she swoops doing everything you can’t do
        So when you knock her down to tears
        physically or with words
        You are leaving this world undernourished
        Killing Mother’s of this Earth!
        So when arrogance like you withers it’s way through 
        and she embarrasses you 
        and she makes you wish that you worked your way there too!
        Just remember 
        that she taught me better!
        That’s how come I didn’t stand with you!****

Rose petals


No one will ever be able to understand a love affair like mine, this love tramples over every kind, even though you will never understand this love, it was the only love that we grew accustomed to. But wait it was beautiful…you see broken homes and gunshot wounds in the reflection of every tear. Cries that sounded like sopranos along side playing a violin with missing strings and a tree branch, I can still hear the choir performed by all those who got left behind, feel the bass of those who ran through dead, hear the symphonies cause by the sounds of shattered memories.

If you are really quiet you can still hear the treble clef of a tired woman who won’t stop walking while holding her only living child. It was the best orchestra ever heard, our home being beaten to the muses that sang in the wind.

This love gave crimson rose pedals that flowed from their flesh, bullets that would kiss our skin, while churches are being burned to the ground, call that starting a new flame.- its clear that we made Valentine’s day seem mediocre-
It was sad how it became a thing of you have to hide!
To ensure any of your rights!
Don’t waste your time saving souls or being kind!
You have to eventually pick a side!
When desperation kicks in there is no time!
Then you are paralysed to decide!
Who Lives stay or get left behind!
I guess I now understand why it was called a genocide!

People spread out surrounding home.


We were boarding a country once called home, call us the human fences.
Sense of security was crippled by the broken limbs of society. We were praying for a land the world might have never known existed. Our oxygen became so stale we began to question our creator and his purpose.
Disappointment stitched our lips shut while and circumstance tied our knees to the ground.
Can’t you feel this love, people loved a land so much that they believed that they should be the only ones to claim it.
Yes a selfish kind of love. This was the aftermath of love. A love that nailed death to your chest.
Dear world we are are sorry, I apologize for wasting your time by obligating you to help us, we didn’t mean to be heard everyday. Invisibility out grew our bodies, and we could no longer fit in out own silence.

We lived in mother Africa’s womb and she decided to have an abortion to get rid of a country that is small enough to fit in the palm of your hand.
We have tears strapped to our shoulders, bruises on our knees and blood from battered feet.
God lost the ultimate tug of war to Satan.
Torn by war.
Worn by being torn.
War torn.
They loved us in all the wrong ways.

Flow Masengesho.

Strong confident women

Strong confident women
thats all you hear
“we know what we want,
and we go and get it”
strong confident women
have you forgotten
how you came to be
where you are?
the sisters the mothers
the fathers who said
“girl you can be anything you want”
the mother who stayed in
an abusive marriage
to give you an education ,
the women who went without
food so you could eat –
strong confident women
you say “men you guys are
fun to have around ,but we
dont need you ”
you never thought that
when you were sleeping
your way to the top
have you forgotten your sister
who stood by you
when your heart was broken
so why do you dispise her
if she is not as educated as you
as rich as you ,as successfull as you
strong confident women
if your’e that strong
that confident
why do you see the need
to let everyone know
your’e strong and confident
it should radiate from within
like that of Ruth , Sarah and Rebekka women of old
who were beautifull ,strong ,
confident ,gracious and loyal
these along with mothers
grandmothers and sisters
before you were
strong confident women

The inner ‘Thing’

Its not always what you think of
Its not always what you expect
This is about rules that are broken
This is about a dynamite blowing big holes
You’ll never understand this,like you did not understand math
They be waving hands higher but if you check under their feet,there is a table
Talking so much like a brass band playing many trumpets
But it all turns to this “What’s outside its not always what’s inside”
Yes they look so harmless but yet so evil
Beware of a wounded tiger,also beware of its cubs

Self praise

I’m a knight of the night
Yeah! Man I’ve been grinding
No need to get whining
U know I’m always wining
Its been long but I’m still kicking
Deep in the sea I’ll be swimming
So high in the sky,I’ll be diving
Making em so cool,I like mixing
Better beware of pretty charmer like I
U don’t know a serial killer when u see one
I thought of slaughtering you since you’re an animal
Better take this seriously because its educational
I like speaking my mind,Yeah I know I’m motivational
God left everything just to make me
Guess that’s the reason that I’m so blessed
Guess that the reason u snitches are bowing your heads