I kneel before a Universe
Hoping that it’s Jesus to whom I converse
He said child dry your eyes
I know you hurt because of all his lies
Keep your head up my child
For I won’t forsake you in the wild
I will carry your burdens for you
Just keep your faith loyal and true
Believe in me child
I am the only truth
So i submit before Him
And pray He forgives me before the coming
It is promised we will leave this place and return to the land of milk and honey
Where there is no more pain
Only awaiting judgement day
His return will cause mayem
For those who don’t believe
They will truly see
That He never left us at all
Just kneel down and pray
His always there no matter what sin made us fall
His love is unconditional
So I pray more
On his name I call
Jesus my Saviour
I am forever in your favour
For your blessings are precious
Thank you for your patience
So I kneel down and pray
Humbled by Him that’s all I can say.Â
Amen
Until we meet again.
L.A
My prayer
The Dark In Me
I people watched heartbroken whilst sitting outside a small unknown cafe. One of those questionable days. Asking myself who what how’s and why’s and knowing the answers to many. My phone sat on the table, and every time I looked at it an anxious grip took over the beating heart, squeezing agonizingly. I exhaled and grabbed my chest as if to massage the organ out of its agony.
I found myself repulsive in the moment. Everyone around me seemed ethereal. She stood under an umbrella talking to her love, beads of rain caught in the shroud of her gold hair like tiny crystals. When she looked at me I looked away, pretending my eyes had never been on her. On them. I hated them.
I started regretting coming out to a public space, only to find myself continuously suppressing the urge to cry. Once again my eyes shot to the silent phone. Once again my heart fluttered, as if it was trying to become origami. A waiter came to the table and looked at me. Aha, the look of dreadful understanding. He knew enough by the red-rimmed eyes. I knew on any other day I’d never look at him twice. He was plain and inconsequential, a cog in a machine offering me old grapes. But today against me he was an Adonis.
‘More wine?’ he asked. I could not help but wonder is he loved. I held out my glass while staring outward into the drizzling rain and clouds of exhaust fumes, and the crushed newspapers, and the hand jammed in the pocket while dragging on a good looking cigarette. I lit one to keep busy and my phone finally buzzed. My heart that had just so recently been assaulted by the flutters now began to beat uncontrollably. I felt my chest slowly cascade inwards. Crushing my ribs and tugging at the huge invisible hole that had so recently been blown out of it. So I took a deep pull while narrowing my eyes, and picked up the phone.
It’s not that. I just need space. You overwhelm me. Even now you do.
The eyes scanned the sentence over and over until it blurred. I didn’t care who saw. The blow was crushing. The steam filled streets and sudden burts of laughter grated against my every fiber. I didn’t hesitate. Did my pride matter? It didn’t. Loneliness did.
But please I need you, I’m sorry for everything can’t you see that?? Please I’m sorry. Don’t walk away from me.
I couldn’t have been the only one. As long as there are humans there are breakups. I held my hand against my chest and put a shaky cigarette down. The breaths came a bit short. I made some uncomfortable eye contact and then quickly looked away, trying to pretend this was some other kind of ailment. Why was he being so stupid? We all knew what ‘space’ meant. It meant space, up there, that is never-ending. Couldn’t he understand I was suffering? While he sat and ate fine and slept fine I was up suffering and starving while suffering? Couldn’t he see his power over me? The power to make me suffer? Some distant recess of my mind told me he knew all too well that I suffered. He knew it, and the dark side of him enjoyed this power over another human. For instance his last reply was half an hour later while I anxiously paced and paced inside my head for his reply.
I lifted what was left of my cigarette and took a sip of the wine. Shivers ran up my spine. I was hoping nobody was paying close attention to me. I fought the urge to send another message, and then another, and another…. I felt the need to explain in every religious, scientific and philosophical term why we belonged together and that he was making a mistake. I imagined another hand running its course through his hair.
I tipped my head forward unable to handle the surge of emotions and thoughts. My shoulders jerked forward as I let the tears run freely. All I needed in the moment was him. It hurt knowing I needed him but he didn’t need me. It peeled off my skin slowly and painfully. My phone buzzed. I didn’t hesitate.
No. I don’t want you anymore.
I didn’t understand why a knife in his hand was not a better option. I saw nothing around me, I felt nothing in me but empty destruction. I was repulsive, he was simultaneously repulsive to me and irresistible to me. The people, the woman and her lover, the waiter all repulsed me. I felt the need to bang the table or be extremely rude to the waiter, or to go missing so that he can worry and have many regrets. Elbows on the table I held my face in my hands and looked up slowly at the grey sky and began questioning love again. My heart was in a kind of treacherous pain that seemed designed to be enough to kill while still leaving you alive. I felt nauseated. The situation was completely useless.
There in the blurry distance I could see why in all honestly, as I tried to convince myself, it was all a huge mistake. It was such a life altering decision and it changed too much for me to be prepared for. But I stayed in my seat. I became a zombie. Until the dark told me to leave. But I didn’t. The dark in me was all I could see.
Windmills
Days are getting colder,Â
Where you now she needs you to hold her.
Adore her
Tell her why you been so still,
She wants to know why when you away,
The windmills don’t spin.Â
Like days are quite and drag through
Because every second is agony when she’s away from you..
Enticed to call, luckily her heart is scorned.Â
You have no choice but to let go even when every inch of me screams screw my ego,
Don’t let this pride stand in the way When you love her tell her
There’s freedom in the things we say.
Expressing one’s self to the other half.
True reflection of pain, sorrow in your arms.
Embrace the hurt he caused
Because wounds heal when we love again.Â
We learn to fly with wings unclipped we say things uncensored
we become unapologetically queen of hearts.Â
Love is a game with no rules
Hidden riddles in messages
But no substance
Just consequences.
Facing challenges that challenge our excistance.
We more apart than together
but our hearts are one forever
Just blessed to have met you
So i dedicate this poem to nobody but you.
L.A
The Dark In Me
I people watched heartbroken whilst sitting outside a small unknown cafe. One of those questionable days. Asking myself who what how’s and why’s and knowing the answers to many. My phone sat on the table, and every time I looked at it an anxious grip took over the beating heart, squeezing agonizingly. I exhaled and grabbed my chest as if to massage the organ out of its agony.
I found myself repulsive in the moment. Everyone around me seemed ethereal. She stood under an umbrella talking to her love, beads of rain caught in the shroud of her gold hair like tiny crystals. When she looked at me I looked away, pretending my eyes had never been on her. On them. I hated them.
I started regretting coming out to a public space, only to find myself continuously suppressing the urge to cry. Once again my eyes shot to the silent phone. Once again my heart fluttered, as if it was trying to become origami. A waiter came to the table and looked at me. Aha, the look of dreadful understanding. He knew enough by the red-rimmed eyes. I knew on any other day I’d never look at him twice. He was plain and inconsequential, a cog in a machine offering me old grapes. But today against me he was an Adonis.
‘More wine?’ he asked. I could not help but wonder is he loved. I held out my glass while staring outward into the drizzling rain and clouds of exhaust fumes, and the crushed newspapers, and the hand jammed in the pocket while dragging on a good looking cigarette. I lit one to keep busy and my phone finally buzzed. My heart that had just so recently been assaulted by the flutters now began to beat uncontrollably. I felt my chest slowly cascade inwards. Crushing my ribs and tugging at the huge invisible hole that had so recently been blown out of it. So I took a deep pull while narrowing my eyes, and picked up the phone.
It’s not that. I just need space. You overwhelm me. Even now you do.
The eyes scanned the sentence over and over until it blurred. I didn’t care who saw. The blow was crushing. The steam filled streets and sudden burts of laughter grated against my every fiber. I didn’t hesitate. Did my pride matter? It didn’t. Loneliness did.
But please I need you, I’m sorry for everything can’t you see that?? Please I’m sorry. Don’t walk away from me.
I couldn’t have been the only one. As long as there are humans there are breakups. I held my hand against my chest and put a shaky cigarette down. The breaths came a bit short. I made some uncomfortable eye contact and then quickly looked away, trying to pretend this was some other kind of ailment. Why was he being so stupid? We all knew what ‘space’ meant. It meant space, up there, that is never-ending. Couldn’t he understand I was suffering? While he sat and ate fine and slept fine I was up suffering and starving while suffering? Couldn’t he see his power over me? The power to make me suffer? Some distant recess of my mind told me he knew all too well that I suffered. He knew it, and the dark side of him enjoyed this power over another human. For instance his last reply was half an hour later while I anxiously paced and paced inside my head for his reply.
I lifted what was left of my cigarette and took a sip of the wine. Shivers ran up my spine. I was hoping nobody was paying close attention to me. I fought the urge to send another message, and then another, and another…. I felt the need to explain in every religious, scientific and philosophical term why we belonged together and that he was making a mistake. I imagined another hand running its course through his hair.
I tipped my head forward unable to handle the surge of emotions and thoughts. My shoulders jerked forward as I let the tears run freely. All I needed in the moment was him. It hurt knowing I needed him but he didn’t need me. It peeled off my skin slowly and painfully. My phone buzzed. I didn’t hesitate.
No. I don’t want you anymore.
I didn’t understand why a knife in his hand was not a better option. I saw nothing around me, I felt nothing in me but empty destruction. I was repulsive, he was simultaneously repulsive to me and irresistible to me. The people, the woman and her lover, the waiter all repulsed me. I felt the need to bang the table or be extremely rude to the waiter, or to go missing so that he can worry and have many regrets. Elbows on the table I held my face in my hands and looked up slowly at the grey sky and began questioning love again. My heart was in a kind of treacherous pain that seemed designed to be enough to kill while still leaving you alive. I felt nauseated. The situation was completely useless.
There in the blurry distance I could see why in all honestly, as I tried to convince myself, it was all a huge mistake. It was such a life altering decision and it changed too much for me to be prepared for. But I stayed in my seat. I became a zombie. Until the dark told me to leave. But I didn’t. The dark in me was all I could see.
Butterflies -falling inlove
The larvae in my stomach aren’t for show
They crawl around inside and cacoon
They hide away, and always say no
They’re intimate with your bright eyed swoon
They know about your charm
My stomach muscles clench from fear
My unhatched butterflies feel you bring harm
And they don’t want to lapse with you near
They cower from your mist and guile
Who knows what’s behind your intent
Yet they feel a flutter with just your smile
And I long to feel content
I wrap my arms in close
And claim confinement rather than joy
I’ve brought along my shovel I suppose
To bury these feelings for a boy
A love I see in your warm soft eyes
Frightened, a cause shakes in me
I erupt and melt and turn into butterflies
And keep the flutter from flying free
Too much to lose,
My ripples of doubt condense
You smile and my heart you confuse
And I lower and drop my fence
The sleep I’ve been in tires
And I awake and suddenly feel
Yet my cacoon hardens and expires
Still beauty sprouts from something real
Like a leaf in autumn’s breeze
Falls swiftly without pre-empt
My cacoon lays in freeze
To be awoken by a sweet attempt
The tiny tickles in my stomach grow
My cacoon no longer an excuse to stay inside
My future stuck around and took it slow
And shared himself while I decided to hide
A conclusion most minds will debate
Because it’s not too common to see
I’ve fallen inlove with more than my fate
And he’s brought out the butterflies in me
Feelings
It took me a day to know you, but a decade to know you from the inside.
It took me a minute to fool you, but a lifetime to love you.
Though I may forget about you for a second, its nothing compared to how I feel about you for hours.
Your pleasant, appealing appearance makes my world much brighter and my days much easier.
I played with your heart a thousand times, broke your trust a million times but still you showed me more million ways to love you.
In you did I not only find my being but also my well being and if I were to be kicked from home, your heart would be the first place I’d think of cause that’s where it feels like home too.
Your place in my heart is like the greatest star of all heaven, it does not move across the sky like all the other stars do, it blinks much faster and shines much brighter than all the other stars, just like your place in my heart.
I thought I loved you but I lied cause at first it was just love at first sigh.
I love you without knowing how, when or where.
I love you simply without pride but with passion.
I love you not for what you have but for who you are and made me.
And if I were to lose my memory, I’d still know that I have loved you with all my heart and that has always been enough for me.
Thoughts of love
As I sat by the river and watched the world go by.
I couldn’t help to keep myself from thinking about the times we used to share when life was young and simple.
living in moments rather than time.
I missed the love we used to share, even though it felt like a battlefield some of the time, it made me complete all the time.
I missed the times when you used to tell me that I’m good at my thing but I told you that I’m good at you cause you were my sweet yellow bone thing.
The fights and arguments we had were nothing compared to the joy that came after them.
Which is why I don’t wanna love without you cause your a lost I can’t replace.
It timmed me for a moment, then I took a moment of silent to honour that,
Your love was like raindrops to my heart cause everytime it rained my life used to blossom.
I remember how I used to go home but become home sick without you cause everything I touched used to break, breaking my heart even more.
My past mornings have been nothing but a lie cause I used to wake up in gentle hands yet in great pain from the inside without your smile by my side.
Yet today I’m still standing still for you cause the fire is out but the ashes are still burning in my heart.
And I will never say goodbye to you cause there is no good in goodbye.
Love, the moon & the sun x.
The moon & the sun
Are at other sides,
However together,
With their love
They make a world,
With the calming chaotic ocean tides,
And undiscovered iceburgs,
And land forming embedding roots
And rain falling slowly to bring life.
They’re are paralleling opposites
Giving eachother a time to be,
A time to shine,
They are slowly creating an
infinity.
Same Steps As Before
Dry tears, they don’t need wiping.
Broken heart beating as whole,
Pieces don’t need collecting.
Closed doors providing comfort,
They don’t need opening…
Cold winds hugging my soul,
I didn’t see signs saying “Warning”.
Living with death breaths; words that kill.
The smell of hunger as my signature,
Looking for what I have.
I cover you with rags of “I’m Sorry’s”,
Closed eyes looking at the bigger picture while writing love letters on the walls of my soul,
Ink as your blood as you bleed from the pain, I figure.
Tainted view of who I am, looking at myself through my name.
Selfishly singing the same tune,
“I love youâ€,
While still fighting with the same fume.
Stop walking lonely next to your love;
I know I’ll be home soon.