Can you understand longing for something that is there?
I can. I long for you.
I miss you Mummy.

You were magic. Every kind of woman, it was in you.
But it undid you.
It was too much. No one can blame you.
I miss you Ma

I can’t regret the times we did spend.
The effort you put it.
The only memories I have
I miss you Mum

I hate what happened.
I hate what you did to me
You left me. You left us, you even left you.
You aren’t you anymore. You’re not magic.
I miss you Ama.

I long for someone who’s in the next room.
Can you understand?
Missing someone thats there.

Sick
Wrecked with anxiety and ignorance
Tasting breakfast again and later moms spaghetti
So much confusion! What’s a girl gotta do?

Nothings in place, there’s no sense
Just drifting from here to there
Thoughts firing everywhere
Drowning in desire and impatience
Depression’s the name of this game

I’m in all spaces while staying still
Trapped in a edgy skin that won’t tear
Craving anything to subdue
The impossible tirade of think

Thinking thoughts relentless
Sinking feelings ruthless
Pills and thrills, people in heapfuls
Nothing mattering mutterings
Relief needed so desperately
A futile search

Keep playing the game
Cycles continue
Persistent moments that cannot be sustained
Begging to stop
“Ideas are like a virus”

There’s a light coming,
It edges a moment at a time
It says “hold on, draw close, step forward”

It was there in the distance,
Too faint to trust
Never stoked by shut eyes
It flickered, whispered, and dimmed.

It grew. Spurned on by other wide eyes, cheering for attention.
It started to call softly
Fearful shut eyes crept open
I see you they both said

What a sight it was to see, a light burning, eyes glowing
Still far off, the two gazed.
Fearfully moving gainfully forward.
It won’t be long now

It won’t be long now till the two meet

No words will ever describe,
Your beautiful description.
Your image pierces an unexpected distraction.
My God, you are beautiful!
How are you able to deny that?!
Muhle intombazane, Aḻakāṉa

Golden glow, more than a suns kiss
Soft smooth stretched bronze
Scents of cocoa, sweetness and spices
Decorated with strips and stripes
Cautious to a hands touch,

Belowing black mass of mess
Fingers run in unrefined silk
Staining pillows with flower smells
A crown on a boredroom princess
Enthrall, entangle, ebony

Brown eyes and big smiles
Full cheeks n dimpled sides
Dimpled everything.
Unprecedented voluptuousness
Filling, struggling, tugging, squeezing
Mocked and worshiped

Small hands, worked feet
Deep voiced and bright mind

You are a beautiful woman.
Believe it.

you CRITICIZE ME FOR I SPEAK NOT MY MOTHER TONGUE
you are the cause.

you ABHOR ME FOR I AM DIFFERENT TO YOU
you are not comfortable in your own skin.

you DO NOT SPEAK MY LANGUAGE
it is difficult for you to learn.

you HAVE MULTIPLE HOUSES ALL OVER THE WORLD BUT
you do not have a home

you TRAVEL ALL OVER THE WORLD YET
you have never been to you.

you BENEFITED FROM YOUR RIGHTS AND EVEN OTHER PEOPLE’S RIGHTS
you are still weak.

you SAY YOU LOVE YOUR FAMILY
you do not know what love is.

you HAVE A WIFE AND CHILDREN YET
you still frequent brothels and strip clubs.

you DEMAND RESPECT YET
you do not respect yourself.

you REFUSE TO LISTEN BUT
you want to be heard.

you SPEAK ABOUT THE LIGHT YET
your heart is as dark as the place you come from.

REDEEM YOURSELF FELLOW BEING TAKE A JOURNEY TO SELF.

All you have been is a waste.
You never once stood up for me.
Your existence was my failure,undoing, and punishment.
Just a damn tool for others plans of destruction or pleasure
A masterful escape route for uncontainable anger
Yet now again you will not stand for me?!

No I say to supple forms n mountain bossoms!
To softness shaded purple and blue
To guilt to shame to disgust
What are you? Failure!
I wish to return you, I wish you were not me.

Filth.

Wathintha abafazi, Wathintha imbokodo? Ha.
Every curve yelling out weakness.
Take it back! Take it all back!
Trade in bountiful backsides n tender lips, for broad backs n big hands.
I cannot be your victim.

It didn’t matter that he’d given her a black eye the night before,
he was still there,
It mattered little that he spit in her face,
abused her name and left stripes on her back from his army belt,
never letting her out of his sight
At least he stayed,
No other man had stayed after seeing her disfigured face,
caused by fire that killed her mother and made her father go away,
That put her in Foster homes for naughty children,
Who don’t listen to their mother’s and play with matches

I searched and wandered the morning, I found mist and dew, I found cold shadows, I found damp.
I found cold grey hillsides sheathed in a spongy blanket of moss, I found trees and ferns that dripped tears of water collected throughout the nights dreary hours, I found heavy hung clouds that were in a rush to retreat to the hills.

I found shattered shards from tipped and toppled glasses that only a few hours ago contained happiness, wit and long forgotten stories that had matured into exuberant and loaded with lavish yet like-able tales.
I found damp embers of wood that earlier warmed us and nourished our souls, the flames that licked the skies now long gone. I found a dance-floor sized spread of flattened grass and soggy soil that had once moved with us to a musical tune.

I found early morning birds with ruffled feathers scavenging lawns in search of a easy breakfast, shrugging off the cold as they went about their chores that were driven by evolved instincts.
I found dustbins that had been bastardly savaged and its contents examined and strewn across pathways, the edible delectables stolen to the hills, care of a troop of manic monkeys.

I found that the morning was groggy, along with my head. I found myself tracing my steps back to the warmth and security of my blankets. I found myself sniffing at the sodden air, somehow expecting the aroma of freshly brewed coffee, some salvation.

I found the sun breaking over the crest of the highest peak. I found others strolling around the gardens, holding their heads low, perhaps searching for what I was just looking for.

This morning I found life in the mundane, I found life in my surroundings, I found life.