Self-Medicating, Addicts Are Just Trying To Survive ( The Reasons Behind Why People Chase The Dragon They Call “The Next High”)

I was too young too know and too blind to see;

That your level of experience were light years ahead of me;

You knew how to run game while I was ever eager to please;

I guess it’s the result of bieng a cursed seed;

You pretended we had forever and a day, you were so good at running game that you made me without doubt believe;

With faith I thought you were going be my ride or die girl;

Only to find out there’s another side of love my parents never told me about first;

Guess they wanted to protect me from this world and it’s constant form of hurt;

So all I ever knew was the kind of love that fairytales were based on;

Girl everything you told me I took as the truth, when you were just stringing me along;

Giving away my love when I wasn’t around;

And I never had a clue that the heart of my world never felt the same;

Just using me to get over the man she had before I came;

I finally understood the emotions of a band-aid;

Used just to heal a temporary wound then tossed away;

Born to take away another persons pain;

I guess after you that’s when I lost my way;

My heart went into hiding and a block of ice took it’s place;

It hid so deep I forgot  what you did killed a part of me and I was never the same;

When you left after I found out you were f**king my nigga who I thought would never do me that way;

My soul went into mourning laying to rest my heart that died from pain;

My body comforted my soul as my mind ran away;

Trying to escape the memories you left me with when you walked away;

I had a few girls since, but I punished them for your crimes against my innocent heart;

It took me years to stand up from our fall, I broke alot of bones, that fall was hard;

I still haven’t been able to love again so when I do find a girl we always grow apart;

While she wonders what she did wrong, I never tell her I’m the fault;

It’s easier being alone than wondering if she is loving someone new;

And I’m the last one to find out while the rest of the world already knew;

I’ll never let that happen again, I’ll never be that unknowing fool;

Enduring whispers and undercover giggles as I pass by without a clue;

Only to find out the reason for the looks was that everyone knew what I couldn’t see;

I can’t lie I hated you and probably without knowing I still do for the things you did to me;

You were the reason I never achieved my dream;

You were the reason my family hated me and branded me the black sheep;

You were the reason I lost my soul and was no longer who I used too be;

I eventually found a way to move on and slowly memories were replaced;

I forgot I hated you because my heart hid it so far away;

I slipped into addications and I didn’t understand why my past followed me into my present day;

How come I was saved,supposed to be free yet bound like a slave;

You were gone, years passed and I slid back into my Thugish ways;

Never understanding why my spirit and body were in a tug of war;

Why wasn’t I set free, on my knees I asked the Lord;

Shouldn’t I be better than I was before;

Why am I still self medicating when there’s no obvious reason to find;

I ain’t hurting and I can’t remember the last time I cried;

My heart ain’t broken I haven’t been in love for the longest time;

Life’s good and I got more money than the bank should allow, I’m doing just fine;

Yet every 2nd day I be blowing lines;

Every other day I be choking on smoke watching in slow mo as time rolls by;

I realised one morning as I watched the sun rise;

Something is wrong this ain’t right;

I stood on the balcony of my present looking back on my past to see where I lost my way;

Maybe if I found it God can go back with me and heal the pain;

So I could start living my life in the moment again;

I tried but couldn’t find my heart, it was somewhere lost in the corners of a dark dark cave;

I tried calling out to it but only heard the echoes of my voice boomerag back my way;

I still haven’t found my heart and in the process of searching, my soul got lost in the same dark place;

My spirit refuses to follow them and so my body is pulled and twisted trying to survive;

As my spirit condemns the sins of my soul and heart cause they be chasing white lines;

Alone in the dark where nobody sees them get high;

Punishing my body for another girls crimes;

While my spirit is crying out to God to have mercy and not to send me to hell when I die;

With tears claming we know not what we do, to forgive us just one more time;

It’s like I’m split and I stand watching this from the sidelines of my broken life;

As if I quit on all of them just to find some piece of mind;

I ain’t a man of conflict, I hate it to fight;

I didn’t want to enter into a spiritual war between the forces of evil and light;

I didn’t know getting saved signed me up for a silent war within the battlefield of my mind;

If I did I’d have waited a little while;

But I had came to the end of me and the next choice was suicide;

Instead of bieng selfish I thought about my Mamma for once in my life;

So I took the step one Sunday perhaps more as a way to survive;

I didn’t do it for Jesus even though I pretended I did, but I had my own intentions in mind;

I thought eventually I’ll become holy filled and sanctified;

Only to find out Jesus be jealous and don’t appreciated bieng made a fool of when He sacrificed His life;

I was only fooling myself while living a lie;

Wearing a mask in public but when I’m alone I remove the make-up as my tears wash away my fake smile;

Instead of falling asleep I would just cry;

Laying awake,too afraid to fall asleep in case I saw the girl who broke my heart for the very first time;

I’m still torn between two worlds, hearing Jesus call my name as I get high;

I don’t know what to do and whoever I ask, tell me shit that doesn’t help, like “You’ll be fine”;

I can’t be mad at them though, how could they understand my struggle if they never had to endure my fight;

How could a person who knew Jesus before they knew life understand when I knew about life before Jesus came into my life;

So I just pretend I’m doing fine, but those who know me well can see the truth I tried so hard to hide;

The world can’t see the obvious signs;

While my nigga’s are too afraid to ask me, I can see the concern in their eyes;

Wondering if the next time I get high could be the last time;

I am sure there are alot of people struggling behind the scenes just like these problem of mine;

Who drink and get high not by choice but as a means to survive;

I hope somebody finds the answer to overcoming this way of life;

Cause I can feel that my time is running out of time.