It hurts too much to say;

People can’t understand how I can feel this way;

I could do 1000 times better than her any day;

So why would I still be crying over a girl I could out do who did me dirty for no reason at all in the first place;

 

See love is something God made, it’s something I can’t explain;

The reason He made it a sin to fornicate;

It was not to condemn us but to protect us from hurt, I just wish I could help people see before they make that mistake;

That first time, that first person was made sacred for a reason, trust me that first time never fades;

 

Even if you weren’t their first time, even if you are long forgotten and you’ve been replaced;

They will forever occupy your heart’s biggest space;

God intended it to last forever, regardless if you disobeyed the rules of the game;

The consequences of your choices will remain;

 

It’s not about being cool or showing off to your friends;

One day you’re find yourself alone, friends nowhere to be found, as you find it impossible too forget;

As you watch your first time get with the next;

As if you never even met, keep in mind your first time may have been their…., well they lost count, while you sit and regret;

 

I ain’t trying to condemn;

I’m just trying to help you think before you make a decision that could be your soul’s very last breath;

You see, you might be living in body, but when your soul is stolen, it’s hard to smile again;

Your reason for living is now loving another and you can’t seem to understand why they walked away;

 

I am living proof of these mistakes;

So to those who haven’t done it either by luck or by the prayers of your elders heard by Heaven and answered with Grace;

Meditate on these words, let it sink in and grow roots;

Cause now that you have read this, you could never tell God one day “Lord, I never Knew…”

I wish God allowed you to read my heart the night before you said goodbye;

I know if He did you would have thought twice;

I don’t think you had a clue about how deep my love ran;

I didn’t show you just how much I did, I was a damaged man;

 

I would have died for you girl if you asked;

This is no excuse for acting bad;

This is just the thoughts of a reflective man;

The mistakes I made I now understand;

 

I know it’s too late to turn back the clock, I’d do it in a second, but I can’t;

Loosing you was the fall from which I couldn’t stand;

It’s the straw that broke the camels back;

Things I wish I did or said when I had the chance;

 

Haunt me like my shadow, no matter where I go, I can’t escape the cold facts;

I just wish God allowed you to read my heart the night before you turned my future into my past;

All this money, status and fame, I’d trade it all just to have you back;

See I could get them all again, but I can’t get back the most beautiful girl I ever had

I clenched my fist and took the antidote
Painful as it penetrated my heart
Sharp needles entered into veins pumping
Love
I became immune
Just barren hatred left
This flesh inside chest
Ripped out
I’m immune to you
The magic 4 letter word spelled HATE
My words twisted
I have no guts
Then death came
Reversed I turned EVIL into LIVE
Someone walked away with my……
L ….Shhh don’t say it
Whisper
Alive I became
Immune
I had the remedy
Heartache……
Love is my drug
I am an ADDICT

As I lie awake at night and gaze upon the stars

My visions carry me to far away places, sometimes even Mars

 

Discovering exotic islands, untouched by the human hand,

To bathe in crystal waterfalls and dance on beaches of pure white sand.

 

Exploring the ancient pyramids of Giza, and the Sphinx of Egypt old

Behold this imposing wonder, of which ageless tales have been told.

 

To walk in the footsteps of Caesar, through the majestic Colosseum of Rome.

Where gladiators fought in fierce combat and prayers were offered in the Pantheon Dome.

 

I swim within the ocean, to the depths of Poseidon’s lair,

Discovering a world… spectacular, of which most mortals are completely unaware.

 

I journey on the adventurous path of my vivid imagination.

So when life seems dismal and dreary, my dreams are my inspiration.

I was too young too know and too blind to see;

That your level of experience were light years ahead of me;

You knew how to run game while I was ever eager to please;

I guess it’s the result of bieng a cursed seed;

 

You pretended we had forever and a day, you were so good at running game that you made me without doubt believe;

With faith I thought you were going be my ride or die girl;

Only to find out there’s another side of love my parents never told me about first;

Guess they wanted to protect me from this world and it’s constant form of hurt;

 

So all I ever knew was the kind of love that fairytales were based on;

Girl everything you told me I took as the truth, when you were just stringing me along;

Giving away my love when I wasn’t around;

And I never had a clue that the heart of my world never felt the same;

 

Just using me to get over the man she had before I came;

I finally understood the emotions of a band-aid;

Used just to heal a temporary wound then tossed away;

Born to take away another persons pain;

 

I guess after you that’s when I lost my way;

My heart went into hiding and a block of ice took it’s place;

It hid so deep I forgot  what you did killed a part of me and I was never the same;

When you left after I found out you were f**king my nigga who I thought would never do me that way;

 

My soul went into mourning laying to rest my heart that died from pain;

My body comforted my soul as my mind ran away;

Trying to escape the memories you left me with when you walked away;

I had a few girls since, but I punished them for your crimes against my innocent heart;

 

It took me years to stand up from our fall, I broke alot of bones, that fall was hard;

I still haven’t been able to love again so when I do find a girl we always grow apart;

While she wonders what she did wrong, I never tell her I’m the fault;

It’s easier being alone than wondering if she is loving someone new;

 

And I’m the last one to find out while the rest of the world already knew;

I’ll never let that happen again, I’ll never be that unknowing fool;

Enduring whispers and undercover giggles as I pass by without a clue;

Only to find out the reason for the looks was that everyone knew what I couldn’t see;

 

I can’t lie I hated you and probably without knowing I still do for the things you did to me;

You were the reason I never achieved my dream;

You were the reason my family hated me and branded me the black sheep;

You were the reason I lost my soul and was no longer who I used too be;

 

I eventually found a way to move on and slowly memories were replaced;

I forgot I hated you because my heart hid it so far away;

I slipped into addications and I didn’t understand why my past followed me into my present day;

How come I was saved,supposed to be free yet bound like a slave;

 

You were gone, years passed and I slid back into my Thugish ways;

Never understanding why my spirit and body were in a tug of war;

Why wasn’t I set free, on my knees I asked the Lord;

Shouldn’t I be better than I was before;

 

Why am I still self medicating when there’s no obvious reason to find;

I ain’t hurting and I can’t remember the last time I cried;

My heart ain’t broken I haven’t been in love for the longest time;

Life’s good and I got more money than the bank should allow, I’m doing just fine;

 

Yet every 2nd day I be blowing lines;

Every other day I be choking on smoke watching in slow mo as time rolls by;

I realised one morning as I watched the sun rise;

Something is wrong this ain’t right;

 

I stood on the balcony of my present looking back on my past to see where I lost my way;

Maybe if I found it God can go back with me and heal the pain;

So I could start living my life in the moment again;

I tried but couldn’t find my heart, it was somewhere lost in the corners of a dark dark cave;

 

I tried calling out to it but only heard the echoes of my voice boomerag back my way;

I still haven’t found my heart and in the process of searching, my soul got lost in the same dark place;

My spirit refuses to follow them and so my body is pulled and twisted trying to survive;

As my spirit condemns the sins of my soul and heart cause they be chasing white lines;

 

Alone in the dark where nobody sees them get high;

Punishing my body for another girls crimes;

While my spirit is crying out to God to have mercy and not to send me to hell when I die;

With tears claming we know not what we do, to forgive us just one more time;

 

It’s like I’m split and I stand watching this from the sidelines of my broken life;

As if I quit on all of them just to find some piece of mind;

I ain’t a man of conflict, I hate it to fight;

I didn’t want to enter into a spiritual war between the forces of evil and light;

 

I didn’t know getting saved signed me up for a silent war within the battlefield of my mind;

If I did I’d have waited a little while;

But I had came to the end of me and the next choice was suicide;

Instead of bieng selfish I thought about my Mamma for once in my life;

 

So I took the step one Sunday perhaps more as a way to survive;

I didn’t do it for Jesus even though I pretended I did, but I had my own intentions in mind;

I thought eventually I’ll become holy filled and sanctified;

Only to find out Jesus be jealous and don’t appreciated bieng made a fool of when He sacrificed His life;

 

I was only fooling myself while living a lie;

Wearing a mask in public but when I’m alone I remove the make-up as my tears wash away my fake smile;

Instead of falling asleep I would just cry;

Laying awake,too afraid to fall asleep in case I saw the girl who broke my heart for the very first time;

 

I’m still torn between two worlds, hearing Jesus call my name as I get high;

I don’t know what to do and whoever I ask, tell me shit that doesn’t help, like “You’ll be fine”;

I can’t be mad at them though, how could they understand my struggle if they never had to endure my fight;

How could a person who knew Jesus before they knew life understand when I knew about life before Jesus came into my life;

 

So I just pretend I’m doing fine, but those who know me well can see the truth I tried so hard to hide;

The world can’t see the obvious signs;

While my nigga’s are too afraid to ask me, I can see the concern in their eyes;

Wondering if the next time I get high could be the last time;

 

I am sure there are alot of people struggling behind the scenes just like these problem of mine;

Who drink and get high not by choice but as a means to survive;

I hope somebody finds the answer to overcoming this way of life;

Cause I can feel that my time is running out of time.

open your ears and listen to the sound
gravity pulling it towards earth
tears from the sky dances on rooftops
nature’s heart beats………
listen closely
tugged in between sheets
Oblivious
mother earth blooms
opens her arms to receive the blessings
creation tremble in its roots
drink this magical potion
trees sing as soft winds sway them in motion
flowers with droplets on their cheeks rejoice
birds nestled in trees do not venture
it dawns upon them
first light
red horizon silvergrey
look carefully
there’s a hole in the sky
rays playfully slides down
water reflects
adjust your eyes and look carefully
light brings life and water alike
nocturnal beasts from both sides
hibernate
the time has arrived
clear your lungs
sound nature’s alarm
sound nature’s alarm and make it known
Creatures calling themselves humans
awake
systematically synchronised
plugged into the system
streams flowing as it falls
earth transforms into puddles of mud
‘when will the rain stop’ she asks
‘what rain’ I asked
if you listened carefully
it wasn’t rain
it was droplets falling from the sky
harmoniously
dancing on rooftops
blessing falling on mother earth
her body swollen with water

for you
for me
for us
and them