Archives for July 2013

My mother’s anger

I try not to let her take over
Try to be different
Try to forget the film that plays in my head,
when my sadness turns into anger.

Every angry slap across my face,
for a dirty room, unmade bed or un-followed rule.
Every time her hands encircled my throat,
and she cursed the day of my birth and the man who left her because of me.
Every angry word, screaming, shouting, beating,
I will not do that to them.
To them I am a saint,
Who grounds them and never gets angry.
Who loves them and never blames them.
But anger has to go somewhere,
And when the lights go off and their soundly asleep,
I take out the blades and cut my arms,
My anger released and no hurt to them.

My mother’s anger will never hurt them.

Expectations

The rose colour of your mouth
stirs something primordial inside of me –
I smile along with you.
Plump little hands reach for my face.
I hold still
while you explore my heart with a feathery touch.

When you are asleep,
I look over the papers of your collage fund.
We could make it
if we would forsake frivolities.
It will be no hardship for me to do so.
I smile contentedly.

The boxer puppy lying at my feet;
quite content–
its stomach pink and extended:
he ate too greedily
(as usual).
You will grow up together
and share our unconditional love.

The cricket bat,
signed by the national team,
takes pride of place in its brackets on your bedroom wall –
a pale dove blue
(matching the colour of your eyes).
A gift from your dad –
sure that you would follow in his footsteps.
A rainbow of possibilities prostrate at your feet.

I check every now and again
whether you are breathing.
Sleeping soundly,
neither a frown upon your smooth face,
nor a care in the world.
Your long, black eyelashes quiver slightly,
as though following a dream –
a dream we all shared:
a dream of boundless expectations …

**************

Exhuming long forgotten memories;
mingling with my fevered tears –
echoing my breaking heart.

They lead you away.
Assaulting the arresting officer
had sealed your fate.

Mildewed expectations
best laid to rest
together with the memories of you.

The sky has lost its colour,
as I step outside the courtroom.

© 2013 Suzette Crous

Its 1999 somewhere else

Decoders nullify the signal
1 Flash, 2 Flash, 3 Flash – eternal
Ripping the flesh wound afresh
Insertion guaranteed in jest

Nullifiers will be nullified

Machinations fortified by silly-putty
Chew the breadcrumbs, chew each one
Swallow the wine clusters down an erect throat

KNEEL!!!

Believers will be believed

Feet exist to keep legs in place to embrace the thorax attached to the emaciated face
My place
Here, within my grasp
The decoder unclasped
One decoder decoding the code merely for selfish reasons
It takes the signal like so much spittle from a spitting head-orifice
It takes the signal and turns it into a freaking building block
That will be added unto those building blocks from times before
That will grow into a bestial incarnation of some being with too much time on its hands
That will cease to care for other beings like it and declare itself the one true thing

But wait, what is it that the One True Thing™ thinks?

“Well, see… and you’ll understand me, because every ant understands me in that ant’s mother tongue…”

It doesn’t breathe; this conglomeration of reality particles does not need the stinking oxygen allowance to allow it to consume itself and the others underneath it

“Well, see… your tiny cranial cavity cannot possibly fathom what it is that I do for a posthumous living… Why in the infernal heavens asunder must I explain myself to you, a cardboard being made of bloody and aborted thunder?”

NO!!!

Exit its brain
No need to bother
We, the carriers of the decoders
We are
As they say
The scrambled eggs on toast with a sliver of tomato juice dripping from our glass eye sockets
so naturally we must do what comes natural to us

PRAY!!!

Oh ye OTT
On bended cyborgian knee
I point my conscience at thee
See it throbs like a throbbing conscience
Conscious of its conscientious consciousness
The infinity you promised me
Dear greatest of beings
I have always validated the signal
You know this
Since Day-Origin
Despite plagues of rusted decay, animal tears, frozen icicles and foetal AI abortion
I remained true

Please, spare me the rod that is your rod of lightning in a jagged bottle of steel gherkins
Frightening
Yes, you are
I admit it
I’m in fear of your majesty

A-WO-MEN and thanks…

“Well see…too late…LIAR…a simpleton wrapped in delusions of machine flesh/blood fulfillment…you wish you could be like them…you ask me with disgust dripping from your mangled circuitry, to please spare you, please make you real…. My response will materialise within you in…”

5
4
3
2
1

Where…
Where am I?

Dedication – Part 3

Auburn
Perhaps it was tinges of crimson
Brown?
I can’t remember

Your eyes
Your hair
Your frown
I see the pictures in my head and in my hand
I see the shape you left behind

The smoke exhales from your pretty lungs
The taste on your tongue
Cracked lips
Blackened nail tips

Your confessions
The hurt inside your jumbled guts
I listened to you as your heart broke over and over again
Ejaculating those frigid tears
Me, useless

Why can’t I remember you?

It’s not about the beauty
You have that
It’s not about the intelligence
You have that
It’s about what you do not have

Yourself…

…or have you found it in the meantime?

Dedicated to 13

Lost

I walk this path In solitude, my distant future set in stone.

And gaze upon a sunrise far away, deserted, empty and alone.

The dream I cherished in my heart; – our failure took it all apart, while anger, hurt and pain are the only emotions that remain.

A bond of love until our dying day, till evil came and stole your heart away.

Now at the setting of the sun, I hide my soul and run, for in the darkness of the night, I loose my life’s delight when haunted by the absence of your love…

Upon my shoulders

In sudden apparition like from a haunted soul, I came across the remnants of forgotten shame that dried the bones and devoured flesh of all that seemed of godly creed.

I consumed the flame that burned within and gave the saints desire to go forth and reach the eastern wall, and found within my scattered soul a ransom for the loss of years gone by. This sealed by soulful sacrifice, my life’s torment away from grace, and there upon a worldly stage, – the role I played became the reason for complete disgrace.

Through heavens gate I willed my way, to fulfill my sinful fate, and ultimately my future became the devils bait.

With pride, enduring a heart that broke, in reverence to all the harmful souls who charmed my innocence to meet their goals, – I carried this burden like a yoke…

Shadow Man

Peeling paint crumbling down these dirty walls,
dripping slowly to the dusty floor.

Puddles of tears gathering at her feet,
mouth wide open, arms stretched above her head,
cheek sliding down against the filth.
Nails digging into the now soft walls,
gripping, tearing…breathing.
Sinking slowly to the floor.

She screams.
He walks down the narrow corridor of their lives.

Smiling faces on the walls,
eyes blazing with anticipation.

Figures tear from the framed perfection of stolen smiles,
heads turned to face the Shadow Man.

Mouths open and fingers point.

Lies, lies, liar.

He walks slowly,
the damned walk of the dead.

Grimaces and grins return to their still life forms.

They know.

He knows.
She lies on the floor, blood pouring from her open mouth,
swallowing the crystal tears of their shattered life.
He steps over her, crunching the crystal tears staining her uncurled fingers.

So much dust,
so much serpent tongued words dribbling down his cheeks.

He walks on, 
towards the open door.
Laughter rings out, and the Shadow Man turns.

Crouched on a bright white box balances a familiar face,

A clown, with one tear to spare.

The clown dances wildly before the box,
light filtering through the demon filled chest.

The white faced woman drops her head to the side,
smiling grossly, running her fingers across the box.

She knows.

They know.

He knows.
He turns to run.

She is there, her cold hands on his shoulders,
green eyes staring into his hollow face.

The trapped images from the walls scream with animal delight.

The clown shakes her head, the white box moves towards them,
carried by the spiders and snakes of her nightmares.

The clown kicks the man to the ground.
It is, as it has always been.

She looks down at the man,
searching for a glimpse of the father that should have been there.
The last crystal tear falls.

She throws her head back and twirls. 

The box is bound to the Shadow Mans back.

He crawls along the broken passage of their lives,
cutting his hands on the shattered glass of lost memories.
He reaches out for the woman lying on the floor.

She turns away from his shame,
and finds comfort in the crumbling paint of her old life.

She rises, and her shadow falls over him. 

He crawls towards the open door.

Loneliness embraces him.

The smiling faces in the photographs shimmer and stretch,
and the Shadow Man disappears.

The frames fall to the ground, empty.
The clown turns and walks back up the passage,
running her hands along the walls,

feeling every memory and wasted heartache,

she crouches in the dark and weeps.

All is silent.

Our love

Eyes that smile as hearts beat wild; – our love had found its destiny’s child.

Unspoken words with sweet embrace, surrendered our souls in complete loves grace.

Our bond of love no sacrifice, we took a chance and rolled the dice; – we played the game, our souls consumed by eternal flame.

Regret and pain, our only gain, for now we walk in stormy rain as with time, inevitably our separation came.

Our love has died and no one cried, our hearts ripped out, we live in doubt, and now we know, we have nowhere left to go…

Tell me your dreams..

I want to know what you wished for
When the tooth fairy paid you a visit when you were little
And took your broken tooth away
Was it a castle you wished for or a ride on a cow over the moon?

I want to know what you longed for when you are deep in your thought,
at a place where were none can reach you . Is it the paths across the forest
that lead you to the place you long to be?

I want to know what it is that you ache for as the shooting stars race
Across the velvet sky, as you lay awake on your bed.
I want to know what your dreams are so that they can be mine too
I want to know so that I will take that path with you that will lead you to them

Free

My winters are colder my nights seem longer my days are endless my mind relentless

It’s finished… You’re gone… Our road as one has ended, always destined to walk separate paths

Once entwined now divided, I’m shattered but I’m fine, broken

I remember the days filled with passion and ecstasy the love making and summer strolls

I remember your lies, anger, lust and betrayal, I remember the crying, the begging and the pleading…

Nights of endless beatings, left battered and bruised blood stained and used.

I remember your shame. Your sorries your pain, I was so forgiving so stupid so young so vain.

In the dark these memories flow and I now I know why I had to let you go, my love, my life, my one, my hate…

As I lay here broken and scared I never could have been prepared, you came into my broken heart and
Ripped and tore my soul apart, now the demons awake and near….

In the dark these memories flow and I remember why I let you go, my love, my life my one my hate…