So I thought this would help me move on or start afresh while making amends for anything and everything that may have gone wrong. Don’t even know where to start… HOW HAVE I BEEN?
LET’S SEE… …
I guess with all the revelations that have come to light to date, the fact that I was a fool is not really debateable, from the beginning I was never thee one for you. I was just filling in the gaps which is something I would have never optioned to be a part of, no self-righteous person would ever want to come second to anyone let alone another woman.
Cannot really blame everything on you from the get go I allowed my naivety to take control and let myself forgive you while blindly convincing myself that it’d all be worthwhile in the long run. I put aside my lack of investment in any relationship and went all in just so to prove myself wrong. Only if I had known, hey?
I am not transferring my burdens and faults to you but you were reckless not only with your own life but with mines and anyone else’s you may have been involved with and for that I do hold some resentment towards you because no matter how shitty you made me feel I trusted you.
Nothing annoys me more than your inability to talk to me, your transgressions and issues that may influence us in the long run are made public before I know of them. I am forever expected to get angry and then get over it like a good girl, but sadly I have never allowed anger to parade within me cause I just won’t let it consume me therefore I just hope for a more “grown you.â€
Thanks to your actions I found myself going through a time of resentment, pain and self-hatred while lacking the very thing you promised me, which was ‘you.’ You promised to love me, you promised to be there but I guess I was just grasping at straws believing you. I hated you with every fibre within me and all I ever thought about was ending myself just so the pain would be no more, I had lost all hope maybe it was the hormones or the you deserting me but nothing made sense, therefore you cannot blame me for not trusting you.
The tears I cried were endless but you couldn’t care less as long as my nagging self was out of your way and I got the message loud and clear, I tried Lord knows I tried to let go but every time I had made amends and accepted the situation you would waltz in giving me hope of something better. I am not saying that you reasons for disappearing were never good enough but looking at the situation they were just pathetic, you had a child which you had never laid your eyes on. I knew there was someone else but even though I wasn’t good enough this innocent soul could not be made accountable for my inadequacies.
The love I had for you haunted me and clouded me with guilt, through all the pain I went through and the things I found out I vowed never to hold a grudge towards you or our significant other and child if need be but here I stand now wondering if I can allow myself to forgive and forget with there being a constant reminder of the fact that I have never been good enough.
On the other hand here you are standing before me asking for forgiveness, a new beginning and in hand you claim to hold love that is untamed. It has been a year since you and I have stood face to face but yet I still find myself weak at the knees, I love you with an unbound amount of emotion but a year has never been enough to forgive being made second best and being kept in the dark of the existence of another child for that I’ll have to forgive me.
It’s weird how I am asking for forgiveness, but I’m sorry for not reacting the way you’ve expected me to do so, forgive my inability to lose my sanity over something that is beyond my control. Just so you understand, I still do refer to you as my ex and not because I am going back on my word but because it’s more of a safety net, not allowing myself to let you in that easily again.
I forgive you for the lies, infidelity, and you being an asshole!!!
Yours truly,
Baby mama
Archives for January 2015
Dear Ex
” Wake up”
Young people, be attentive
And do well,
why are sleeping,
wake up.
The day is already shining,
come and see;
The goodness of sunshine.
People are rejoicing
And they enjoy the work,
of their hands,
Hard work is a journey
Nothing comes easy,
Hard work pays
Season is coming.
The sky weeps when I’m not looking
Angels with broken wings may never fly
but the hymns they sing will touch the sky
and grasp the wind like an infant’s first touch
Remember the first time we met, I asked for your name
and your smile stole my breath from me like the rain
on a sunny day, when you told me your name I grinded
the letters separated the syllables rolled up the pronunciation
and inhaled the melody from your voice and got high from
the sound of my last name joined to yours,
Like bones joined to souls
I wish I could be your backbone so I could back the bones
inside of you that ache when you sad and I would promise you
that I will break the bone from the society’s definition of beauty
do a bone marrow surgery replace it with Maya Angelou’s Laughter
and use your pain as the bandage
That Sunday morning when the pastor preached about
fornication I looked at you with silent eyes that pierce through silence
as if to say don’t listen to him
and then a voice said to me Love her like your own
and I was confused like Moses’ encounter of the burning bush
my cup of spirituality has been leaking lately
and the cup has stayed half empty
But that night I drank from the blood of Jesus and got drunk
from the word and regurgitated my sins like the holy spirit
took over, I slept but I didn’t dream that night cause’
dreamers can’t dream when the world keeps speaking
if your life was a movie I would watch it once, replay it in my
conscience and tattoo the credits to my kneecaps so every time
I pray God will know I found you and
I’ll love you like the 4 seasons and every time the wind blows
or leaves fall I’ll love you
I’ll love you like summer because that’s the only season I believe
in, even when my days are cold your warm flickering sunrise smile
will grace my heart like Mary’s miracle
And I’ll walk bare feet in the spine of your mind plant a dream
resurrect a cross nail myself to the arms of your thoughts,
pierce my sides with your fondest memories and
I’ll bleed the water of life so every time your brain
tells you that it hurts your capsules will water the dream
and grow the Jesus inside you
I wanna be inside of you I want to know what went through
your mind when you found out that Eve stole our freedom
to freedom like we soldiers fighting a war for civil rights
like what’s the first thing you think of buying when they say
its offering time, what do you have time for?
I want to chain our minds together and let our emotions run free
and hope we never fight, but if we do let’s fight about sex
like the males that keep dying every day or the females that get
raped every 20minutes like how churches feed the hungry
and yet people are starving for the word of God like how
Manchester united needs a new coach already and no I
don’t like the fact that you support Chelsea but
before I curse you out I’ll show my laughter how to pray
to the God of Abraham and the Son of David
and let the words I speak bless you, let my tongue taste you
I love how your lips taste like Gen 2:18
and how you always smell like a freshly grounded prov 31
woman every morning
I pray that God ceases fire to Israel and brings it back to you
let every flower petal be named after your dreams
and I hope that I’m one of them
I’m not sure which part of me loves you the most
if it’s my soul or my spirit I’m not exactly sure what’s
the difference but I’ll love you like
the mountains love the clouds and the clouds love the
sky and the sky dreams about the moon but the sky
belongs to the sun a love triangle to be jealous of
I want to plaster my love for you on every tree so
that you won’t breathe without me and
I want to raise your flaws like they’re kids I never
had and I will introduce them to Christ and watch
them fall in-love with their own skin
And God said to me
you are made in my image love others as I have loved thee
and love her like she’s your own beating heart because
Angels with broken wings may never fly
but the hymns they sing will touch the sky
and grasp the wind like an infant’s first touch
I love you
Misfits
My Virginia Woolf in disguise –
My veil, my apprentice, shaman, owl wise.
I see Jean Rhys’s ghost in-intervals.
Joyce Carol Oates’s hands, and rouge.
Rapture. Oh, rapture.
There was Plath’s lipstick.
The milk, the buttered bread, Ariel.
Gas. Gas. Gas and stamps.
Updike’s father’s tears.
A child’s eyes can see the worm.
Daddy’s painted drum.
Let the dishes rot-into-nothing.
Hemingway’s earth does not waste-anything-in-the-end.
The cornfields of Illinois are pretty
Where David Foster Wallace
Grew up. His childhood
Was made up of bonfire anecdotes
Shark teeth and infinite jest
He was the pale king sitting on an earth-throne
The so-called psychotic bewitched by libraries
By the halls of Amherst the Midwest where of-all-things
Genocide took place. Murder and speeches
His dream songs. They came from space
He gripped his pen. Left behind an alphabet of supernova writing
There were monsters hiding in the closet
Monsters under the bed. The room is smaller
Than he remembers when he returns home
From Amherst water and lobsters pouring out of him
As he evaporates. America offers shelter for some
Meat and potatoes kind of women and men
Worms, holes, the dark, maniacs
Hooks already programming him.
For Sylvia Plath
Addiction to neon –
Sumptuous marriage. Playful.
Montage of ill health.
Now what does that all mean.
Let us take the word ‘neon’.
It can mean stripes of light.
Hallucinogenic Technicolor.
‘Sumptuous’. Does that mean
That we are sitting down to a feast.
Us gulls to fill our bellies?
Fatten them up with tiny golden
Arrows of haiku’d up words
And sumptuousness. And now
We come to marriage and playful.
Let us go skinny-dipping in them.
Let us not let ill health
Keep us back. Our bones are
Ancient. Everything lovely
About it. Out there are our
Doppelgangers reminding us
Nothing is by accident. They
Tell us to sit down at our desk
Writer, poet and to make a living
Out of it. In time we will
All fade away like squiggles
Of moonlight and my brother’s
Laughter is explicit. It fans
Itself into waves –
I have been here before. A-fri-ca!
I still burn for him.
Yearn for him like a plague
Yearns for famine. Those lean years.
He feels nothing for me.
I am a useless zero. An empty cup.
So I have haiku’d life away.
Worn this chip on my shoulder
I am a distillate. Mere fog.
Now I play at writing maps.
