Emptiness inside of me
Hopelessness within my heart,
As I seek I cannot find, the life that I have left behind,

When you speak I hear no sound
And yet its you to whom I’m bound
In this life I have regrets, mostly which is that we met

I look into a dull reflection
My life so full of misconception
I am yours I have no say
For it is my heart that you stay

Time has passed, and I’m still here
All I feel is this endless fear
I never knew it would go this far
That you would leave so many scars

But you are mine and mine to keep
until one day its you who weeps

31.10.2011

She stands on pointe, her hands in fifth position,
listening to Madam Clair count out the beats till the next step,
Seeing the other girls tiring of the strain,
Ignoring the pain in her own legs,
Fighting the voices in her head that says she’ll never amount to anything good.
That she’ll be just like her uselss mother
Words from her grandmother that she adopted herself and now had trouble letting go of.
Words she learned how to block out because of the maid, Ouma Dienkie,
Lowely in the eyes of others but filled with wisdom and love that she freely gave away,
Remembering her words…..

He sits with the pencil in his hand,
Writing in his final answers to the paper that will give him his degree,
Making sure his answers are correct,
Watching the time tick down slowly till his journey ends here,
Only to begin on a different course.
He blocks out the little boy that couldn’t read and was beaten because of it,
He blocks blocks out the dyslexia that made him stupid,
He blocks out the father that teased him and the mother that didn’t understand him,
And tries to listen to the teacher who gave him hope, books and attention,
Who taught him how to fight his disease with patience.
Remembering his words..

“They only win once you give up.”

I look in the mirror
and I see YOUR face.
You stare back at me
with deeply haunted eyes
All I have are fragments of memories
that replay in my mind…
I feel the heat creep up my neck,
it travels to my eyes and rests,
brimming on my eyelids.
I close my eyes,
trying to keep them from spilling.

I see a faint shadow,
it beckons me further away.
The shadow distracts me
to the point of insanity,
where I no longer see reality
yet still continue on aimlessly.
I am trapped in another realm,
another level of consciousness.
I cannot allow myself
to venture into the darkness
for I shall not return unscathed.

Which option do I choose?
Do I leave the dam wall to
slowly crack under the mounting pressure
finally bursting it’s walls, water covering me,
slowly seeping into my lungs, choking me,
filling me until I sink to the bottom…
or do I voluntarily open the floodgates,
releasing the power and drowning me instantly…?

What makes me so Special?
She wonders, after Oupa Dan leaves her room,
Another night spent feeling his rough beard kiss her hands,
and hard hands touch her Cookie.
It hurt a lot but Oupa’s strong hands held her still.
Her older sister was in the other room and she was much more prettier
but they didn’t touch her
“Your special” he said and she would have smiled if it didn’t hurt so much.
But Oupa must be right, because Daddy would also come to visit her tomorrow,
like he has been doing for a long time now,
Making her touch his Johnny that was thick and yucky.
She told Mommy what they did,
but Mommy said “Shhh, stop telling lies” and gently washed her eina in warm water,
“You’re just special”, she said
She wanted to run away, hide or lock her door, till mommy came from night-shift,
But her wheelchair was no match for Daddy’s big strong running legs,
and Oupa’sstern words,
So she wondered, tears rolling down her cheeks, no longer sobs or cries,
What make me so special if I feel dirty and sad?

By Jacqueline Friedman

Listen to me,
Don’t you ever,
Don’t never tell me
You understand!
Because you don’t!

You don’t understand
Now I aint saying I’m the only one to ever feel a thing
But I was the only one there, feeling that thing.
So please don’t ever tell me “you understand”

Now pain its relative, and non-comparative
I take nothing from yours
But please unless you were there
And to my knowledge you weren’t
Don’t tell me you understand!

No no you did not feel my blows
Hear my bellows
And if you had would you have done something?
Where was your understanding then?

And if you understood so well
Tell me why then are you professing such
To cover a wound you have just reopened?
No you don’t understand

That there are millions of me,
Generations, civilisations, and whole populations
Of haunted hurt women
And yet you want to say you understand!

You, know, nothing.
Of what it is to bled naturally,
Of life and love unwillingly
To spout kindness
And strength of brazen necessity
For you understanding

Now I’m not saying I am the only one
But you do not understand.

You’re my kaleidiscope dream
And I was praying that you and me might end up together
Baby, I’ve loved you for a thousand years, and I’ll love you for a thousand more
You’ve got me twisted

Even though my sex is on fire,
and I’d be the best he ever had,
he’s even locking himself outta heaven
And for him, I’d bleed myself dry, and even wear no make up today.
I’d even tell him he’s right when he’s wrong, and show him he’s so much better than he’s knows.

At one point, I was thinking, its us against the world
That only you can get it
And I was gonna cater to you
Oh and how I said I just gotta have you, and all I really want is you
You had me walking on the moon

But all I keep getting is such sweet nothings
And I’m tired of dreaming of you
So right now nobody knows but me, how I’m dying inside.

By the way I tried to say I’d be there.
Let’s not waste anymore time on me, you are still the voice inside my head
But I will not see what I cannot have forever
So its time to fly these pretty wings around

Dear Lord
A gift for words and questions
I hope You don’t regret,
Because I’m kneeling here and I have many for You

I am grateful, please don’t think I’m not
I know full well that I have a lot
But Lord I must I ask,
Did You not see that I really needed my Mummy?
Lord you know I’m thankful, yes I had her for a bit.
Lord did not see what he was doing to me?
Lord you know I’m humbled, you kept me alive
I still cannot believe….

Lord you’ve been there when I didn’t see
You were always company for me
You held my hand and kept me warm
But I still ask You these things,
These are things I cannot understand, they are only for You.

I have and will doubt things to come
Please don’t think I’m unworthy Lord
You tell me I’m not
For what its worth Lord
Your love is the only thing I’m sure of.

You are my love
i pine for you
ithirst for you
my heart ache for you
as i see you walk pass from a distance
i’m longing and hence
my eyes are waterful
as my lips needs your kiss
as for you i miss
and my life is incomplete
without you i’m naked and plain
you’ve always been my help,
in all my sorrows and pain.
You covered me with care,
from all the cold and rain.

Creeping darkness fills a space
There’s nothing there to hold its place
Nothing, it feels of nothing

Seeping emptiness
A vacuum of black
There’s nothing to hold it back
Sinking to an abyss

Listless being
There’s nothing in this existence
Nothingness

Hold me now
I’m begging
I need to feel some warmth
To be real

Hold me now
I’m falling
Catch me please
I cannot stand

Hold me now
I’m crying
Keep me safe in your arms
My tears keep flowing

Hold me now
I need this
To be in this moment
To make it to the next
Hold me now, I’m failing