Fornicate (The Truth Why God Said No)

It hurts too much to say;

People can’t understand how I can feel this way;

I could do 1000 times better than her any day;

So why would I still be crying over a girl I could out do who did me dirty for no reason at all in the first place;

 

See love is something God made, it’s something I can’t explain;

The reason He made it a sin to fornicate;

It was not to condemn us but to protect us from hurt, I just wish I could help people see before they make that mistake;

That first time, that first person was made sacred for a reason, trust me that first time never fades;

 

Even if you weren’t their first time, even if you are long forgotten and you’ve been replaced;

They will forever occupy your heart’s biggest space;

God intended it to last forever, regardless if you disobeyed the rules of the game;

The consequences of your choices will remain;

 

It’s not about being cool or showing off to your friends;

One day you’re find yourself alone, friends nowhere to be found, as you find it impossible too forget;

As you watch your first time get with the next;

As if you never even met, keep in mind your first time may have been their…., well they lost count, while you sit and regret;

 

I ain’t trying to condemn;

I’m just trying to help you think before you make a decision that could be your soul’s very last breath;

You see, you might be living in body, but when your soul is stolen, it’s hard to smile again;

Your reason for living is now loving another and you can’t seem to understand why they walked away;

 

I am living proof of these mistakes;

So to those who haven’t done it either by luck or by the prayers of your elders heard by Heaven and answered with Grace;

Meditate on these words, let it sink in and grow roots;

Cause now that you have read this, you could never tell God one day “Lord, I never Knew…”

Most Beautiful Girl (20.09.90)

I wish God allowed you to read my heart the night before you said goodbye;

I know if He did you would have thought twice;

I don’t think you had a clue about how deep my love ran;

I didn’t show you just how much I did, I was a damaged man;

 

I would have died for you girl if you asked;

This is no excuse for acting bad;

This is just the thoughts of a reflective man;

The mistakes I made I now understand;

 

I know it’s too late to turn back the clock, I’d do it in a second, but I can’t;

Loosing you was the fall from which I couldn’t stand;

It’s the straw that broke the camels back;

Things I wish I did or said when I had the chance;

 

Haunt me like my shadow, no matter where I go, I can’t escape the cold facts;

I just wish God allowed you to read my heart the night before you turned my future into my past;

All this money, status and fame, I’d trade it all just to have you back;

See I could get them all again, but I can’t get back the most beautiful girl I ever had

Self-Medicating, Addicts Are Just Trying To Survive ( The Reasons Behind Why People Chase The Dragon They Call “The Next High”)

I was too young too know and too blind to see;

That your level of experience were light years ahead of me;

You knew how to run game while I was ever eager to please;

I guess it’s the result of bieng a cursed seed;

 

You pretended we had forever and a day, you were so good at running game that you made me without doubt believe;

With faith I thought you were going be my ride or die girl;

Only to find out there’s another side of love my parents never told me about first;

Guess they wanted to protect me from this world and it’s constant form of hurt;

 

So all I ever knew was the kind of love that fairytales were based on;

Girl everything you told me I took as the truth, when you were just stringing me along;

Giving away my love when I wasn’t around;

And I never had a clue that the heart of my world never felt the same;

 

Just using me to get over the man she had before I came;

I finally understood the emotions of a band-aid;

Used just to heal a temporary wound then tossed away;

Born to take away another persons pain;

 

I guess after you that’s when I lost my way;

My heart went into hiding and a block of ice took it’s place;

It hid so deep I forgot  what you did killed a part of me and I was never the same;

When you left after I found out you were f**king my nigga who I thought would never do me that way;

 

My soul went into mourning laying to rest my heart that died from pain;

My body comforted my soul as my mind ran away;

Trying to escape the memories you left me with when you walked away;

I had a few girls since, but I punished them for your crimes against my innocent heart;

 

It took me years to stand up from our fall, I broke alot of bones, that fall was hard;

I still haven’t been able to love again so when I do find a girl we always grow apart;

While she wonders what she did wrong, I never tell her I’m the fault;

It’s easier being alone than wondering if she is loving someone new;

 

And I’m the last one to find out while the rest of the world already knew;

I’ll never let that happen again, I’ll never be that unknowing fool;

Enduring whispers and undercover giggles as I pass by without a clue;

Only to find out the reason for the looks was that everyone knew what I couldn’t see;

 

I can’t lie I hated you and probably without knowing I still do for the things you did to me;

You were the reason I never achieved my dream;

You were the reason my family hated me and branded me the black sheep;

You were the reason I lost my soul and was no longer who I used too be;

 

I eventually found a way to move on and slowly memories were replaced;

I forgot I hated you because my heart hid it so far away;

I slipped into addications and I didn’t understand why my past followed me into my present day;

How come I was saved,supposed to be free yet bound like a slave;

 

You were gone, years passed and I slid back into my Thugish ways;

Never understanding why my spirit and body were in a tug of war;

Why wasn’t I set free, on my knees I asked the Lord;

Shouldn’t I be better than I was before;

 

Why am I still self medicating when there’s no obvious reason to find;

I ain’t hurting and I can’t remember the last time I cried;

My heart ain’t broken I haven’t been in love for the longest time;

Life’s good and I got more money than the bank should allow, I’m doing just fine;

 

Yet every 2nd day I be blowing lines;

Every other day I be choking on smoke watching in slow mo as time rolls by;

I realised one morning as I watched the sun rise;

Something is wrong this ain’t right;

 

I stood on the balcony of my present looking back on my past to see where I lost my way;

Maybe if I found it God can go back with me and heal the pain;

So I could start living my life in the moment again;

I tried but couldn’t find my heart, it was somewhere lost in the corners of a dark dark cave;

 

I tried calling out to it but only heard the echoes of my voice boomerag back my way;

I still haven’t found my heart and in the process of searching, my soul got lost in the same dark place;

My spirit refuses to follow them and so my body is pulled and twisted trying to survive;

As my spirit condemns the sins of my soul and heart cause they be chasing white lines;

 

Alone in the dark where nobody sees them get high;

Punishing my body for another girls crimes;

While my spirit is crying out to God to have mercy and not to send me to hell when I die;

With tears claming we know not what we do, to forgive us just one more time;

 

It’s like I’m split and I stand watching this from the sidelines of my broken life;

As if I quit on all of them just to find some piece of mind;

I ain’t a man of conflict, I hate it to fight;

I didn’t want to enter into a spiritual war between the forces of evil and light;

 

I didn’t know getting saved signed me up for a silent war within the battlefield of my mind;

If I did I’d have waited a little while;

But I had came to the end of me and the next choice was suicide;

Instead of bieng selfish I thought about my Mamma for once in my life;

 

So I took the step one Sunday perhaps more as a way to survive;

I didn’t do it for Jesus even though I pretended I did, but I had my own intentions in mind;

I thought eventually I’ll become holy filled and sanctified;

Only to find out Jesus be jealous and don’t appreciated bieng made a fool of when He sacrificed His life;

 

I was only fooling myself while living a lie;

Wearing a mask in public but when I’m alone I remove the make-up as my tears wash away my fake smile;

Instead of falling asleep I would just cry;

Laying awake,too afraid to fall asleep in case I saw the girl who broke my heart for the very first time;

 

I’m still torn between two worlds, hearing Jesus call my name as I get high;

I don’t know what to do and whoever I ask, tell me shit that doesn’t help, like “You’ll be fine”;

I can’t be mad at them though, how could they understand my struggle if they never had to endure my fight;

How could a person who knew Jesus before they knew life understand when I knew about life before Jesus came into my life;

 

So I just pretend I’m doing fine, but those who know me well can see the truth I tried so hard to hide;

The world can’t see the obvious signs;

While my nigga’s are too afraid to ask me, I can see the concern in their eyes;

Wondering if the next time I get high could be the last time;

 

I am sure there are alot of people struggling behind the scenes just like these problem of mine;

Who drink and get high not by choice but as a means to survive;

I hope somebody finds the answer to overcoming this way of life;

Cause I can feel that my time is running out of time.

Until We Meet Again (Dedicated to Ruchardo Shado Maasdorp)

My friend it’s been a while since heaven called your name and you answered without thinking twice;

I guess somebody up there had connections on high;

They somehow convinced God to put you next in line;

You didn’t have a choice but to answer, I know you didn’t mean to leave those that love you most behind;

 

Another you will never be you’re one of a kind;

Trying to replace you would be a waste a time;

I know your Mamma is missing you so much and it brings tears to my eyes;

Knowing you were called so early in life;

 

You had it all in front of you, things I took for granted when I had the chance back then;

Things you will never experience and that I now regret;

I wish I could bring you back again;

I’d easily swap places with you my friend;

 

Just to bring a smile to your Mamma’s face again;

She is like a mother to me too, she always treated me like one of her own;

For that I cherish her more than gold;

I hardly see her now days, I promise you I’ll go see her soon;

 

My friend I don’t show emotions much, but I really miss you;

Thinking back to the day I got the news;

Asking God with tears in my eyes why you;

I didn’t want to believe it, guess it was hard facing the cold truth;

 

Yes I’m mad at the person who was driving that night;

Perhaps he could have taken it easier on that ride;

But I guess nobody can be blamed, we all have our destined time;

Still it hurts to know I never got to see you one last time;

 

I know we weren’t close and I knew you through a close friend of mine;

But as years passed I got to know you and it blows my mind;

You never once flipped out or treated me unkind;

You remained passive whenever we crossed paths;

 

I had the most respect for you, I just kept it in my heart;

Showing emotions for me has always been hard;

Guess it’s the result of life and the things I’ve been through;

But I want you to know my life wouldn’t be as good if God never allowed me to meet you;

 

I hope you’re doing well my friend;

You will always be close to me even though you’ve physically left;

In spirit you’ll always be here and I’ll never forget;

When I die after meeting Jesus, I’m coming too find you next, until we meet again my friend….

Role Of An Underdog

I’ve been underestimated since my youth;

Played the role of underdog like a pro regardless of the shit I’ve been through;

Wanted to give up a time or two;

As those around me pretended, setting me up to be ran through;

 

I’m not complaining at all I’m just trying to explain;

That I’ve been forced to endure days of never ending rain;

Persecuted as an innocent man and put on trial;

Found guilty of crimes I didn’t even do in my life;

 

Now that I’m made with my name in lights;

You want to be there for me as if you always were by my side;

And you get offended when I ignore you in plain sight;

Calling me arrogant, when I’m just paying you back for all those times;

 

You forced me to wipe away tears I never even caused myself to cry;

Where were you when I needed a friend just to talk;

Whenever I called you hit ignore;

When we met face to face you turned away as if I embarrassed you from the public point of view;

 

Now that I roll solo you want us to be cool;

As if nothing was wrong but that’s something I just can’t do;

I may be saved but I ain’t holy, that’s Jesus’s job not mine;

Even if I loose points in Heaven, I’ll take my chances until I reach the after-life;

 

When I had the chance to take revenge I refrained;

When I could have ended your life I turned the other way;

All I’m asking is stop trying to make up for past mistakes;

I don’t want your apology and I don’t care about what you have to say;

 

You see I was forced to play the role of underdog and I did it like a pro;

So if you want to be friends now, the answer is a hard no;

See you next life time, maybe God will have mercy on your soul cause I won’t;

I lift my middle finger and write you off as a thing of the past;

You thought you broke me, but you only strengthened my heart.

This Blank Page (20.09.90)

Where do I find the words to tell you that I’m so sorry?

I may be good with words as some might say but here I am struggling to pen down this apology;

This is not a letter to excuse me, this is an admission of being guilty;

As I sit and stare at this blank page;

 

Tear drops start to fall as they consume my face;

Regrets plague my lonely mind as it starts to replay;

The days I broke your heart with no reason to find;

And how I always made it seem as you were the reason for every single fight;

 

Girl I can’t tell you the reasons why;

I look back in time and can’t believe I was that blind;

Punishing you for her crimes;

I can’t undo the pain I caused you no matter how hard I try;

 

I know nothing I say or do will give you a change of mind;

I deceived you with far too many lies;

I know that I can’t convince you that I’ve finally changed for the good, Lord knows how much I’ve tried;

I can’t beg you to come back one last time;

 

I’ve been on my knees in front of you endless times, pushing pride aside;

You would just turn around and walk away every time;

I’ve run out of options and so I finally stopped making my problems yours;

Knowing that no matter what I do, you no longer love me like you once did before;

 

I stopped texting you for it hurt every time I got ignored;

I stopped trying too call knowing that you don’t answer them anymore;

6 years have passed since us I know, but it seems like only yesterday;

Hope still resides within the walls of my heart and refuses to fade;

 

Hoping you might return someday;

That day never comes, making the next one even harder to face;

I wish I had the words to apologize to you in every way;

Instead here I sit watching as my tears stain this blank page

Just Once More, Get Back That Moment In Time (20.09.90)

I have all I want and most of what I need;

But something’s wrong with me;

I’m living the good life, you could say I’m the fortunate kind;

But I feel like something is missing from my life;

 

I should be happy and wearing the biggest smile;

Instead I feel like I’m broken inside;

I look to the sky in hopes God can tell me that it’s all just in my mind;

But heavens keeping quiet this time;

 

I searched the confides of my soul to find the answer to this question burning inside;

Then your face appeared like a star filled night;

I haven’t thought of you in years baby girl, ever since we drifted so far apart;

Could it be that you’re still the keeper of my lonely heart;

 

If this is the case,how do I fix what I tore apart;

You’ve moved on and found someone new and left us in the past;

I knew from that moment our eyes met you’d forever have my heart;

I didn’t know how true that statement would eventually be;

 

Now that years have passed and you’re gone, the truth in these words I see;

God truly sent me an angel, I was just too blind too see that the answer to my prayers was in you;

What do you do when God sends you the answer but you were expecting something else, when the answer was always right there in front of you;

It’s hard to take it now that I know the truth;

 

Things I can’t change, mistakes gone too far to reverse or simply undo;

Calls I wish I answered but chose too ignore;

Messages I read but never replied too, it burns to my hearts very core;

Knowing I had all I had been searching for;

 

But let it slip by because I thought my prayers were being ignored;

I never made that mistake since I lost you girl, God only knows;

Our fall I never recovered from and it’s slowly taken it’s toll;

I wish I could get back that one moment in time and get back all those times I had with you just once more.

The One I Miss Every Other Day

It’s been a while girl since we last kissed;

But since you left I’ve been missing you every single day since;

I never knew how much I needed you until I realised without a princess how could I still feel like a prince;

I’ve wanted to end my life a few times I have to sadly admit;

 

Everytime I tried the thought of my mamma in tears made my quit;

I started sipping the pain away with glasses of hennessy, I just missed you more with every sip;

You never once called me to ask if I was doing fine;

I tried calling alot but all I got was a busy line;

 

I guess you were hitting the red button instead of the green;

Everytime you saw the number calling you was me;

Mistakes I made is what turned what we have into what used to be;

In the arms of another I watched from the sidelines helplessly;

 

Turned away so you wouldn’t see a thug cry;

At home alone feeling like I wanted to die;

Trying to subside the pain by laying with different bitches every night;

Nothing changed I just felt more empty inside;

 

Begging God to end what’s left of my life;

Circling the block just to ease my mind;

While escaping the memories we made in my room every other night;

Fast forward a few years and I’m doing just fine;

 

Fame and fortune changed my life;

My name’s written in the stars, you can spell it now if you look at them late at night;

You’d think you’ll be the last girl on my mind;

Now that I got models by my side;

 

That’s far from the truth, my heart still beats your name;

You’re still so heavy on my brain;

I still wish you wake up beside me every day;

I can’t help it my heart still has that flame;

 

I don’t show it much so nobody even knows your name;

They know you by you birth date;

Most of my poems are titled 20.09.90, you may be gone but my love remains the same;

I don’t understand it, my heart refuses to explain;

 

I’ve learned to live with it like a person living with chronic AIDS;

Nothing I do can stop me from feeling this way;

I know it’s pointless writing these poems, well it keeps me sane;

I don’t know why all I know is you’re still the one I miss every other day

Second To Let You Know

I’ve been in love a time or two;
But love feels different babygirl with you;
Doubt and fear are seemingly things of the past;
Somehow my heart knows what my mind can’t see,that this time its going to last;

What makes you different from the rest;
I’m not sure but I know you were heaven sent;
All the tears I cried were worth it in the end;
You make my life worth all the mess;

I can be myself without trying to pretend;
You love this crazy me and that means the world to me;
You love the man you see;
Somehow I know deep within we were meant to meet;

Way before God created the rivers,mountains and seas;
He already made you just for me;
Some may say im being a little extreme;
But how would they know if they never loved like you love silly old me;

Perhaps im wrong,I’m human so that could be;
But I’m willing to give it my all one last time;
If I loose at least I can say I tried;
If I win well then finally I’ll make you mine;

I used to hate love but you changed my mind;
I said I’d never fall again because of the last time;
You made falling a must and not a choice of mine;
Love was never as good as today girl did you know that you’re the reason why;

I gave love that one more try;
Beyond your obvious beauty your ways are like food to my soul;
I cherish you more than gold;
Girl I just thought I’d take a second to let you know

Mo’ Money Mo Problems

More money, more problems turned out to be true;
I thought having it all would let life have a better point of view;
I’ve blown more snow than Everest’s peaks have ever seen;
I’ve got all I want or need, nothing to stop me;

I’ve found without boundries in between;
I’m slowly deteriorating;
I wish I could go back in time;
To when I prayed for better days every night;

When even one dime was hard to find;
Cause now my bank account has no limits at all;
And it makes temptations harder to fight, so it’s a never ending free fall;

People around you are fake;
Friends you knew for years have changed;
People go out of their way;
To treat you like a god in hopes you throw cash their way;

They start simple convo but “Can you help” is the next thing they say;
Now I avoid those I held close to my heart;
Cause instead of cash changing me it changed them pretty fast;

I got to analyse every word I hear;
And I wanna be distant towards those I’m supposed keep near;
I worked all my life just to get here;
Now I’m looking back at poverty with tears;

Who knew I’d miss the days I used too hate;
Who knew fortune and fame would be so hard to take;
It’s a burden I want to give away;
I want to go back to when people treated me like a normal man;

I know this seems hard to understand;
How could I want to not have anything I want, when I want at anytime;
Just one swipe and the world is mine;
But when you go to resturants and everyone treats you like a King;

And you know they only doing it to get something;
I hate the fake, I always have;
And now I have to face it all the time, it makes me mad;
I thought this is what I want, the world as my slave;

Now that I have it I miss my darker days;
Money people said would change me, that’ s not the case;
It changed the world around me and shit is strange;
To think God died and the world is now at His beg and call;

I tried to wear His crown, but it’s become too heavy and it’s starting to fall;
”What does it profit a man to gain the world but to loose his soul” I never understood that phrase;
But now it’s as clear as day;

I’ve even tried to give as much cash as I can away;
But my bank account never seems to fade;
I’ve bought all I want;
I don’t even want anything anymore;

I aint trying to brag;
This is wisdom from an experienced man;
Listen to the words I say;
Don’t chase money or fame;

I’ve chased it all my life while neglecting things I wish I still had today;
I wish I could go back to when money was far away;
I’ve become too succesful now so it’s too late;

If I could redo things I’d have treated her right instead of pushing her away;
I’d have never pursued money or fame;
Perhaps I’d have true love now and even a family;
Instead I’m surround by cash but I’m ever so lonely