Illuminate (An Apology)

Surrounded be your love, I feel like I can conquer anything.
Surrounded by your love I feel whole again.
Surrounded by broken shards of glass, without your guidance they pierce me.
Without you, they kill me.

The glass draws me out.
Drawing me out into a more familiar land.
A land that makes no sense.
A desolate, chaotic land.
Chaotic yet familiar.


It becomes a part of me.
It became who I am.
A way of life to which I knew no different.

As easy as the chaos seems, I search for meaning.
I search for something.
Around you the chaos eased and I felt real.
I felt that for the first time I was truly alive.
That for the first time I meant something real to someone.

I didn’t have to hide and for the first time this darkness wasn’t over me.


Addicted to your presence.
Addicted to the clarity you brought me.
Addicted to you.


Within me lies a weakness.
My inability to give up my familiarity.
I am unable, unable to become what you need me to be.


I can’t lose you.
Can’t lose all the silly combinations, where if one is missing the other makes no sense.


I lost my way.
I become the person you despise the most.

I became the thing I despise the most.
I became the person I prayed I never would, promised I would never be, with you.

I am unfixable, I thought you were my revelation.


A darkness now clouds me, more than ever before.
And I am lost. Lost more than ever before. T
o break a person I love, as much as I have you, kills me.
To hurt you, when I promised myself I never would, when I promised you I never would, destroys me.
I will never forgive myself.


Disappointed because I could be what you needed me to be.
Disappointed with myself.
As hard as I tried to change, I was too weak.
Too weak. Ashamed.

An ending.

To leave.
To break this bond.
To break us.
In a way I never knew was possible.
An inevitable event.

I long to be the person you need.

I wish it could be me.

To save you from pain, I removed myself.
To save you from more pain, I removed myself.

I tried being a better person.
You deserve better.
You deserve better than this.
Better than me.

I long to be with you.
I long to be part of you.

I want to change.
I want to be better, stronger.
I want to be everything you need me to be.

I’m just sorry that I couldn’t be…


  1. totally understable

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